God's goodness and wonderful friends

so, this post is 100% to brag on how good God is and how incredible the friends are that He has blessed me with.  it is no secret that i go through different stages, and the last few months have been a bit difficult as it has been a season of overwhelming amounts of friends getting engaged, married, getting pregnant, and having babies.  while i am seriously so happy for them, it is hard to not question God as to why i am having to wait.  one thing i do know, He is constantly building my character and teaching me lessons, and each and every day i find contentment in the blessings.  the past few weekends i have literally had a shower (maybe more than one) - baby or wedding, a wedding, or something pertaining to this and it has been difficult.  i am not writing this to be a sob story, because i have been so encouraged and reminded how much God loves me through my amazing friends.

text messages from friends for example::

this weekend i went to a wedding for a friend in dallas, the bride sent me a text on our way to texas:: "Hey girl!  Thanks for traveling all the way to Dallas via Atlanta.  Drive safely!  I'm praying for your heart this weekend especially - I pray God gives you the desires of your heart & you know he and many others love you.. in the wait, I hope you can find joy and contentment.  I know it's hard but so worth fighting for!  Love you..."

emails from friends...

my friend, J, said, "I know you are struggling with your friends being in a season of change right now and that being frustrating for you since you are not where you want to be.  Just know that I want for you to find your husband more than anything.  I truly believe that GOD is going to surprise you in a big way with your future husband."

another friend, my other casey:)  "Please hear me when I say I am praying for you too!  that the Lord is preparing a Godly man for you in a surprising package.  I agree with J that you are going to get swept off your feet by something really unexpected and I am seriously giddy to see it happen.  I will be bodly pleading for the timing of that "sweeping" and that it comes soon.  I also hope that this weekend, although about kasey, you felt loved and beautiful.  I don't really mean an inner beauty either, you looked hot and I hope you felt it (ps our room was 60 degrees, so if you didn't you should probably go see a doctor :)"

my friend, E, "Want you to know that I'm praying for YOU for you to have peace and trust in God during this season of waiting AND for him to overflow your freaking life with people who can relate to you, who can bring you so much joy and who will NEVER make you feel badly for being real and honest about however you are feeling - good, bad, or ugly!"

my name twin sent me the sweetest message, that you can all read, she put it as a comment on here a few weeks back.  love her for her sweet words and encouragement.

another friend linda, who has an incredible story of an adoption journey, she is actually meeting her 3 1/2 year old daughter for the first time tomorrow and i cannot wait to meet them all when they get back to charlotte!!!  linda sent me a text on sunday, at the wedding, saying, "Thinking of you today.  As we head out on this trip to pick up our daughter (in Chicago right now!) thinking of what a faithful friend you are, celebrating Kasey today.  And how, like me on this adoption journey, you will be one day (soon) be celebrating YOUR wedding, and the wait and everything else will vanish as you marvel in the perfect timing God has for you."

gotta love my crazy, sassy, texan, candice, "I've been praying for your spouse like crazy over the past week.  Please tell me you met yourself a Texas Cowboy this weekend:)"  haha, gotta love the laughs this provided, but so thankful for her prayers:)

my best friends from college have also reached out and been amazing friends, holly sent me a very sweet email and while i do not want her to understand and i want her to be married, she is in this season too, so she provided great advice.  bay calls often to check in and is a great listener, and michele and i are constantly play phone tag.

i am sure there are others that i am forgetting, not intentionally, but these texts/emails stand out in this season.

okay, really, all of these messages and words of encouragement.  each and every message has reminded me how loved and prayed for i am.   i am truly blessed by amazing friends, and for that i can never thank God enough for that. 

social media fast experience

so last week my friend jess and i took a week away from social media, what did i learn from this experience... allow me to share:)

i learned....

- while i felt a little out of the loop, for the most part, it was freeing to not compare my life to everyone else's external "happy social media life"
- i have become entirely too dependent on checking all forms of social media in my free time (whether that is a teleconference at work, at a red light, while waiting on a friend for dinner, while watching tv, etc)
- i need to be more intentional/purposeful with my time
- you have a lot more time when you are not spending your free time "keeping up with the Jones"
- a week of not seeing a post about a pregnancy/engagement was nice (sorry, just speaking the truth)
- the first thing and last thing i do before i wake up or go to bed, should not be check my phone, it should be to get on my knees and thank God for another day
- a few people actually missed my random posts and updates on what was going on in my life, but i mostly missed posting pictures (i had some fantastic pics of Jason Aldean from the concert)

every time i wanted to jump on FB or instagram, i had to think about why i was doing it.  i thought about what God was trying to teach me, and i must say i am glad i did it.  i know i need to be on them less.  i know i need to stop comparing myself to others.  i know that it steals my joy and takes up entirely too much of my time.  one of my good friends, bayley (bay) called and offered to let me call her every time i wanted to check it, ha, her phone would have blown up a lot in the beginning of the week, but it was nice to have friends supporting me in my break!

i am always up for a challenge, especially one that will teach me a valuable lesson!

this is life, but i have HOPE

sometimes i use my blog as an outlet, sometimes i am funny, sometimes i am not, tonight is not going to be one for comic relief, but this is my life, the good, the bad, and sometimes writing on my blog is a healthy for me.  to the few of you who read it, i apologize in advance, but i give you permission to skip this post.

the truth is, my life is somewhat of a whirlwind right now, or heck i could even say a storm, but at the same time, i have so many blessings and i am trying so very hard to focus on those and remember God's truths in the midst of all of this.

at 25 i bought a townhouse, i'd like to say it was the dumbest decision i ever made, but a friend from church gave me some great perspective.  she said, be thankful that God gave you the brains, maturity, and stability, while most 25 year olds can barely pay regular bills, this is true.  i could beat myself up everyday for it, but the truth is it is a part of my story, i have learned a lot from this experience, and now i know not to make a huge decision like this again without over-analyzing this like i do everything else in my life.  regardless, it is the biggest source of stress in my life, and the property is underwater by about 50 to 60 thousand dollars.  unfortunately, as i have posted before, i had to move out due to the crime/unsafe living conditions, so i have had renters in the house for the last year.  well, last time i checked, i am single and only have one income.  don't get me wrong, God has blessed me tremendously, but not to the point where i can afford mortgage and rent, without paying tenants. last week, i probably only slept 3-4 hours a night, as i was up researching all of my options, i won't bore you with all of that, but what i will say is prayers are welcome.  i have worked so hard to get where i am, and i am really struggling with pride ( i know it is ugly) and struggling with the lessons God is trying to teach me through all of this.  the positive of this... God is sovereign, He knew this was going to happen, He is ABLE, He will provide, and He will protect me.  He also has provided me a safe, secure condo that i sleep at night, not in fear, and i have great neighbors:)

i think many of you know, i do a lot of celebrating for my friends, God has blessed me with AMAZING friends, for which i could never thank him enough for; however, with that comes that evil word, comparison.  i am about to be in my seventeenth wedding, and this is my best friend in the entire world, oh how excited i am for this one:)  this is her first real long term boyfriend and it turns out he is her future husband:)  the truth is, i am struggling not to be sad when i see or hear about another engagement or pregnancy.  it is hard, as i only get older each day, to remember that there is a reason for this waiting.  i have prayed for God to take this desire away to be a wife and a mom, but He doesn't take it away.  goodness, most days i feel that it only increases.  within the last couple weeks the amount of pregnancy and engagement announcements, wedding invitation, baby shower invitations has been quite overwhelming.  while i am genuinely so excited for my friends, there is a part of me, that is so sad because it isn't happening for me.  i feel as though i do a pretty good job of focusing on celebrating my friends, and never voicing my sadness.  today though, God reminded through my precious friend Lica that he hasn't forgotten.  to say that i lost it and couldn't stop crying would be an understatement...  literally, she text me at 9:17 AM this morning with the following text::

I cannot stop thinking about you.  And have been praying for your heart all this week non-stop.  Just wanted you to know that in case it means anything.  The words "you are the God who seems me" pop in my head for you.  He sees YOU and knows YOUR heart and its desires.  Trust in his plan.  He is FAITHFUL and loves you.  Believe me my heart aches for you.  And it brings ME to tears.  Because the waiting is soooo hard and it may look like he has forgotten.  But I know in my heart he WILL fulfill this promise.  And I'll keep praying until he does:)

there are not enough words of thankfulness i could say to her for her words of encouragement today.  I tend to cover up my hurt or sadness, but her reminder to me today was so needed.  goodness i haven't cried like that in a while, but sometimes you just have to let it out.

the truth is, God hasn't forgotten, but sometimes i think He has.

the following lyrics are encouraging tonight::

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

asking for accountability/help:: weight loss goal

so, i have posted on my blog before my struggles with eating healthy, typically the working out part isn't my challenge, but eating healthy is.  i am 30 years old and i turn 31 in december, so i have a goal to lose 20 pounds by my 31st birthday.  i know i can do this and isn't so much about the number as it is, just feeling better about myself, being tone, and making healthier choices.  so, to the few people who read my blog, i am asking for any advice, suggestions, ideas, tricks that have helped you...

1. eating healthy is my biggest struggle... i love carbs, don't really like to cook, but i am trying to budget so i can buy a new car, so i will cook to budget better.  i like a lot of healthy foods, but i really like some unhealthy ones (chips and guacamole, french fries, cheese, bagels with cream cheese, really just all carbs, garden salsa sun chips, chocolate chip cookies to name a few).  i really like all fruits, zucchini, squash, corn, potatoes, asparagus, and cucumbers (occasionally).  i absolutely hate green beans, greens, mushrooms, and peppers.  all others that are listed, i can probably stomach or eat, but they aren't my favorite.

2. working out... i am not a runner, and my feet constantly give me trouble, i have been told i have morton's neuroma, but i am going to get a second opinion next week, so maybe he will give me some solution.  i love classes at the gym, but need to know if the schedule or classes i am doing are a good mix.

3. clean eating, i have been thinking about doing clean eating, but wondering if i am capable of doing it.  is that too drastic and will i crash and burn?  i have tried weight watchers before and had great success, but i typically lose interest about week six or seven.  do food journals help anyone?

4. the most definite thing i will do is cut out soft drinks all together, no more coke for this girl.  also, very limited starbucks white chocolate mochas.  when it starts getting cool again, i can get my french vanilla americano which is only 40 calories, woot.  empty calories from drinks is stupid.

overall, i know i need to love the body God has given me, but sometimes that is just hard.  i so desperately want to love this body, but i want it to be more toned, more slim, and i want my clothes to fit better. 

funny how life changes

so, this will be a test as to how many people actually read this blog, which doesn't really bother me, but this news is going to shock a lot of people.  quite frankly, i still cannot believe i am strongly considering it.  i've been talking to my neighbors Cortnie and Caroline a lot recently about added a little something to my life, something that i have always been COMPLETELY against.  something i was completely, deathly afraid of until i was 19.  anyone have any guesses, well let me help you out...

a cavachon

a cockapoo

that is right, i am thinking of getting one of these cute little guys above.  i am not considering this decision overnight, it is a HUGE decision.  i am soliciting advice from my friends with dogs, like whoa.  most of them have been super supportive.  they have so much advice, so much love for their animals, and i know they would not lead me in the wrong direction.  i live by myself, have for 5 years, and i think it would be great to have a companion.  i am a responsible person and do not make decisions like this lightly. 

i want a hypoallergenic dog and one that does not shed, this is huge for my OCD/cleanliness!  these two breeds or cross breeds make the cut.  i've read a lot about these and most people have good things to say.  as with all dogs, you have no idea how they will turn out, but a lot of it is in how you train them.  this i will need help with, but i think i can do it.  originally i was thinking a yorkiepoo , maltipoo, or even a shih tzu, but i talked to friends and read about these and decided maybe not the smaller breeds.

continuing to mull this decision over, but thought i'd post on here and see if anyone has any suggestions/advice! 

how's that one for a shocking surprise on this tuesday afternoon:)

Just Like Us

As many of you know I just returned from my fourth trip to Haiti.  I have completely fallen in love with the country, the people, and most of all the precious children/orphans.  I often remember how scared, not even two years ago, I was preparing for my mission trip, and how God has taken that fear and turned it into a love Haiti relationship as Mission of Hope would say!  While many argue that short term missions do not serve the people of a third world country well, and that many times it is more of a reverse mission, I have to say that the work God is doing through Mission of Hope is working and Haiti is changing:)  All four of my trips, I feel as though I have taken home with me a different message; this trip was no different.

The way our trip was designed, we were to have two work days, two village days, and one beach/debrief day.  This is exactly how my trip in November was set up, so I was prepared for this trip and was ready to pray for people in the villages and was ready to paint some houses or do whatever type of work needed to be completed.

Monday morning, our first work day, we were told we would be doing some gardening.  Not going to lie, while I tried not to verbally express my dislike for this task at hand, I was less than thrilled.  I have no green thumb, and have never gardened a day in my life, not to mention, the soil/dirt in Haiti is rock solid, as they rarely get rain.  We were assigned to the AWESOME village of Leveque and they wanted to plant Mango and Avocado trees, so I knew it was for a good cause!  All of the 7 girls in our team of 10 tried to use the pick axe, and all had good fun with it, but even the village champions said, "You are girls, you are not strong enough."  So, most of us girls decided to hold sleeping babies/children, this girl was completely fine with Plan B.  That afternoon when we arrived back at the village, they decided that the roads needed some work, so they wanted us to go and basically move dirt around to fill in huge holes in the ground, we had another church team from Michigan join us, so again we had too many cooks in the kitchen, so to speak.  That was okay by me, most of us were still holding kids.  The MOH staff then told us they had some painting that needed to be completed in the deaf village, to which I eagerly volunteered.  Can you tell I was ready to get away from the gardening tools and road work.  We pained two houses or did touch up work, painted windows and trim, and put the second coat on the outside of the house.  Overall it was a great workday.



Susan, Dave, and Haley digging to plant Mango and Avocado trees in Leveque!



working on the windows

My dad said I was holding the brush wrong, ha.. did he look at those windows?

Lynn and Hannah working hard

 Tuesday was our first village day.  On my first mission trip with MOH in November 2012, I struggled with village time, as it is hard to walk up to people's homes/tents with a translator, knowing they are more than likely starving, not knowing where their next meal is coming from, and fully trust that God is going to provide.  That was my huge lesson and take away from my third trip.  Not allowing myself or our team in November to receive the credit or to be the fixers and to pray, trusting faithfully, and fully in that moment that God will provide for their every need.  If he cares for the birds, he cares for the people in the villages of Haiti even more!  I wanted to provide food or to give them things I had in my bag, but we were not allowed.  MOH believes that the glory should always go to God, which I understand fully support, but as Americans and coming from a first world country we think we can fix it all.  I was actually looking forward to village time this year, as I wanted to genuinely listen to their stories and pray for them.

The very first house we approached, we met a lady, Olivia.  This was my only God moment of the week.  We began talking to her via our translators.  We find out she was a Christian (not always the case, as many Haitians practice voodoo).  We find out a little more about her and then we ask if we can pray for anything specifically and she says, she would like for us to pray for her to find a husband.  That's right, you read that correctly.  Our team had decided we would each take turns praying for the people we met that day, and normally I am not the one in the group that would eagerly volunteer to be first to pray out loud, but God had different plans.  As soon as I heard Olivia's request, I turned to the other team members standing there and said, "do you all mind if I pray for her?"  Of course, my team members had no problem.  This prayer is all to familiar for me, personally, and I was so blessed to be praying this prayer for my sister in Christ in Haiti.  After I finished praying, I was completely overcome with emotion.  I had to walk away and gather myself, as I couldn't stop crying.  Here's the thing, I think so many times, we think that our lives are so completely different from others who live in third world countries, but they are not that different in terms of what our heart's desires are or what we pray for.  This was my sister in Christ, and at the end of the day, while the "material things" she has or doesn't have are different, her greatest heart's desire was the exact same as mine.  It was such a powerful reminder to me that morning in the village.  I paid attention to other requests throughout the week.  We had requests for work to continue or for jobs so the family would have food, for health (many requests for good health or for an illness to go away), and for food.  Many of us in our daily lives pray for similar things, while we may not pray for a job in the market, we may be praying for a job in Corporate America or to not be unemployed any longer.  Cancer is everywhere and sadly so many people deal with it, so many of us are asking everyday for healing.  We have better access to healthcare so maybe our requests are more specific as theirs are for general healing as they may not be able to go to the doctor to find out what is wrong.  Regardless, the message I took from this village day was that our brothers and sisters in Christ are the same no matter where you live, no matter what ethnicity, what conditions and we all have similar desires/needs, but they may look a little different.  I was so thankful that God put me in that place at that time.

God answered so many prayers while we were in Haiti.  I think a lot of times when you are on a mission trip or in a third world country, you have less distractions.  At home, we are so busy that I think we miss the answered prayers.  While in the village, one day, we prayed with a lady, Rosemita, and as she was accepting Christ, a huge wind/breeze came through.  It was like the Holy Spirit provided this powerful wind/breeze just at that time, as it was incredibly hot this afternoon.  Another great example, our last day in the villages, after digging many holes for mango and avocado trees, we prayed for rain.  We knew that it would be so crucial that these planted trees get much needed water in order to grow.  Our team prayed a beautiful prayer, but Guy specifically prayed for the much needed rain and that night it rained like I have never seen in Haiti.  So much so that while on main campus, we had a dance party in the rain, it was so much fun.  Like when do we do this at home... NEVER.  We did the Cupid Shuffle in the rain, I felt like I was a kid again.  Susan, Lynn, Hannah, Gabrielle, Haley, Michele and I were all having so fun.  At some point during the rain storm, our whole team acknowledged how awesome it was that God was answering our prayers for rain. 

Before our team joined in on the dance party, but it was so fun!  Answered prayer for RAIN:)

The whole week we spent time in Leveque.  It was so nice to spend everyday in the same village.  There were so many babies and young children in this village.  As everyone knows, I love children and especially babies!  All week, every time we would come up to a house with a baby, I was so excited to hold the baby.  The babies are so precious, so loveable (what baby isn't though), and I think my heart could literally just explode as I am holding these precious little ones.  On Wednesday night, we were sharing our only God moments with our team, and I shared my Olivia story.  I shared that it is no secret that my greatest heart's desire is to be a wife and a mom.  Hannah, Lynn's almost 12 year old daughter, on our team, perks up after we had all shared our experiences so far from the week, and she says, "Miss Kelsey, I think you are going to be a great mom one day."  I am pretty sure all the women were a little teary eyed, if not full on crying like Lynn and I were.  It was seriously one of the sweetest moments.  Hannah, if you are reading this, know that it meant so much to me and I love you so much.  All week I felt as though God was sending messages through people I either knew or had met, reminding me to be patient and wait on His timing.  Our intern for the week, Paige, says to me on our last night, "I bet your husband laughs constantly."  I informed her that I wasn't married.  She couldn't believe it.  She said, "I really thought you were married with kids.  Well, your husband is going to be so lucky and he is going to laugh a lot.  Not to mention what a great mom you will be, you are great with the kids."  This was a girl that I had only known for approximately six days.  I fought back the tears that time.  When I was finally able to post pictures, I posted a few of some of the sweet babies, one in particular that I could have stayed with her family and loved on her the rest of our trip after we met her sweet family.  Many of my friends back home were commenting and saying very sweet things about how I was going to be a great mom some day.  I am not writing this part to praise myself (not my style), but just really to give praise to God and thank him for sending messengers/friends in my life that have reminded me to be faithful and trust in his timing.

Pretty sure she is the cutest little thing, loved her:)

Lastly, my team was such a blessing this trip.  All of my teams for all of my trips have been a blessing, one isn't necessarily better than the other, but I am so thankful for this team.  I got to know more people from my church, formed close relationships with many of them, and was so thankful for how God carefully orchestrated who would be on this trip.  All the laughs, encouragement, tears, and memories were a great experience and I am thankful to have served with them!

Gabby and Hannah with Segline, such a cutie:)

One of sweetest things, Simon cutting bracelets for all the kids in Leveque!

In front of the church in Leveque

Love this shot of our team, LOVE YALL!

father's day

My Biological Father, Steve

so i was born on december 3, 1982 in homestead, florida to malia and steve morgan.  most of my close friends and of course my family know that my biological father was quite large (i believe around 6 foot 5 inches and rarely wore a shirt, but this was my biological father and who God chose to bring me into this world, and for that i will always be thankful.  without him, let's face it, there would be no kelsey rae in this world.  i am pretty inquisitive, and honestly always want to know more about my childhood, so i always ask my mother things, and she has always been very honest with me, and for that i am very grateful.  i am not going to share her story, that is hers to tell, but i am a huge part of her story, so what i will say is that at 27 years old, my mother did not plan on having children, but God had other plans.  she was living a life for her and doing things that she needed to stop.  she found out she was pregnant with ME and it completely changed her life!  i don't say this in a bragging manner, but i know that God had a plan for me, and that is why Psalm 139:13-14 means so much to me.  to someone who has a mother who never wanted to have children, but whose mom's life was changed for the better once she found out she was pregnant with her... i know that was all because God had a plan.  okay, back to the point of this post... (clearly, i get side tracked easily).  i do need to say one thing, even though this post is about to fathers, i have the most incredible mother, and i should have done a post about her on mother's day, next year or another day, mom!!!

when i was seven years old, my biological father passed away.  i do not have a lot of memories of him.  i have some, but not a lot.  i think at seven one is still innocent enough to not know all that goes on.  i've struggled with not knowing a lot about him.  the point of this post is not to speak negatively about him, as i have no idea how differently things would have turned out if he had lived.  one thing i always struggled with is that people would say my sister looks just like my mom and i looked like my biological father, but no one ever met him or saw him.  also, i didn't know what characteristics i got from him, and i always wanted to know... so recently i asked my mother.  she told me so many things and that was so helpful...she said he was great in math (hello, it was always my best subject), she said that he never met a stranger and could talk someone's ear off (haha, i know all of my friends are like, that is where it comes from).  you see, while i love my mother dearly, she does not talk like i do - many times when i call her on the phone at night, i often wonder if she puts the phone down and wishes i would stop telling her a story, so she can get back to her soaps or shows, that DVR box blows smoke.  this is a part of my story, luckily it hasn't affected me to much, because God provided, continue reading...

also when i was seven, my mother got re-married (she divorced my biological father when i was six) to my "step-dad," but in my eyes, he is my dad in every sense of the word.  this is what the post is all about.  i wanted to write a post about how thankful i am for my dad who has raised me since i was seven.  when they got married, i was a brat and i know it.  i would pitch an all out fit, kicking and screaming in the floor (like a toddler) - i was completely spoiled (first child and grandchild, here) if i didn't get my way, and he quickly put me in my place (THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THAT).    he taught me how to clean and pick up after myself, hello, my place is obessesively clean now, i may be more clean than they are now, oh yeah!  he taught me how to be appreciative for what you have and to work hard.  my dad has a story that one could never imagine, but he doesn't let it define him, he focuses on all the blessings in his life everyday and what a great example to all of his children.  more than anything though, he has been there for me, he has loved me, and been my biggest cheerleader.  i am a pretty determined person, i dream big, and HE never discouraged me, always encouraged me to keep going.  in recent years, i have had to call on them more for help with things that this single girl cannot do by herself, while i know he is getting older, he never complains! (he may just pray for that husband of mine a little more that day, ha!)  so, this weekend, on my dad's 60th birthday and on father's day, i just wanted to let him know how much i love him and how much i appreciate him:)

cannot wait to celebrate YOU!!!

thankful

so today's post is really quite simple, i have found myself being quite negative or ungrateful lately, so i am simply going to post about things i am so very thankful for.  the truth is, God has blessed me in so many ways and i need to focus on those, not on things that people may say that hurt my feelings, things i don't have, or what he hasn't blessed me with... what kind of life is that.  so, onto the point of this post.  i am so THANKFUL, GRATEFUL, and BLESSED for...

* prayerful friends
* a walk with a friend last night
* quick fit at the gym last night
* country concerts this summer
* good night's sleep on sunday (9 hours)
* five hours at the pool on saturday and catching up with friends (em, jess, and jillian)
* my haiti trip is in two weeks, woohoo
* my church
* my small group girls
* exercise in general, such a stress reliever
* my refrigerator is working after 32 days, woohoo
* my family
* grace

it really helps change your focus and perspective if you just start the day reminding yourself of all the things that you are thankful for.

mother's day

so, this post is about to get real, sometimes i use this blog as a way for me to vent, write about how i am really feeling, because i can and because one day i want to be able to look back and see what all God has done.

yesterday was mother's day, a time to celebrate mommys everywhere... making sure we praise, thank, and celebrate our moms and make sure they realize how loved they are.  i love that we have mother's day, i really do, but in all honesty, i don't like mother's day any more than i like valentine's day, but for me, mother's day is worse than valentine's day.  you see, i know without a doubt that God has called me to be a mommy.  i love kids so much, it is actually one thing i am good at, and oh my they spread so much joy.  every since i was tee tiny, i have always been a "mother hen" if you will.  as much as i've always wanted to succeed and do well professionally, multiply that by 1000 and that may skim the surface on how much i want to be a mom. 

over the years, i have really had to learn how to trust what God's plan is, as many days i don't understand.  how is it that i have a desire that is so deep and yet there is nothing i can do to control this.  i promise, i don't harp on this 24:7, but i do tend to write about it a lot, as this is an outlet or avenue for me. 

i have been so busy lately celebrating everyone else, and don't get me wrong, I LOVE celebrating my friends.  i absolutely love going to their weddings, being in their weddings, sharing with them their happy moments, but if i am being completely truthful, when you stop all the celebrating, it hits you and that is what happened yesterday.  i had been on the go non-stop since last Thursday, literally non-stop, and yesterday after the mother's day celebrations i cried and cried and cried.  yesterday was a day of celebrating moms, something i want more than anything, and i just think it was a realization that i am nowhere near that, i don't even have a boyfriend, no where near getting married, and definitely no where near having children.  it just makes me so sad.  friday night we celebrated my sister graduating from her master's and then sunday we celebrated her being a first time mom... i am really not a jealous person, but goodness, i am human and i honestly just wanted to sit in the floor and pitch a fit. 

so, i talked to a few friends (which i could never thank God enough for them in my life) and i tried so very hard to thank God for all of the blessings in my life.  instead of having a pity party for 1, i tried to rally and be thankful.  i had been praying for a long time for friends in the same stage of life as me, and God has blessed me tremendously:)  i stay busy and do not have a lot of down time to sit at home and think.  i cannot even begin to talk about what a blessing is.  also, sunday mornings i work in the toddler room, seeing the same kiddos, loving on this kiddos, their infectious joy, and honestly just getting to play, have fun, and share about Jesus is one of the highlights of my week.  again, i know this is one of my gifts.  so, instead of being sad, i choose to surround myself with kids, because, well, quite simply put i love them.  also, i get to see my nephew every two weeks or so, which is such a blessing. 

one surprise blessing was a text from my 59 year old uncle kenny.  he sent a text of some beautiful flowers and wished us all a happy mother's day and said he was thinking of us because it was the anniversary of when my grandmother passed away 4 years prior.  at the end of the message, it said and happy mother's day to the future mothers... he is the only person all day that recognized that there are some of us that still want to be mommies, but that desire hasn't been fulfilled at this time.  it was SO sweet!

i keep remembering verses too, as God's word is definitely comforting and reminds me to trust and have faith.  my favorite is the following...

"Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

grace, even for the good girls

so, true confession:: sometimes i think to myself, "you live a pretty good life, you are a 'good girl,' so do you really need all that grace?"  no lie, pride is an ugly sin, and i have a lot of it.  God knows exactly what he is doing ALL THE TIME, so just try that one on Him and see what he does. 

about three weeks ago, i had one of those moments where God brought me to my knees and i was in awe of just how wonderful this thing called grace really is.  you see, i am a rule follower, i hate breaking rules... always have, probably always will.  when i do break the rules or do something wrong, my guilt alone is enough to destroy me.  i mean, we are talking, i hate driving the wrong way in the parking lot, ha!  well, a few weeks ago, God totally allowed something to happen in my life, that completely brought me to my knees.  i like to think that i am strong, and that i am not weak, ha.  the truth is temptation is a bad thing and we all fall short of the glory of God and the wages of sin is death.  after this event/day in my life, the following day, i was completely eaten up with guilt.  i literally wanted to crawl in a whole and really felt as though i couldn't talk to anyone.  i kept beating myself up and kept thinking that no wonder i am still single.  God is never going to bless me with a husband if i keep making stupid decisions.  you see, this mentality is so wrong.  our God, my God, doesn't think this way.  he sent his ONLY son, to die on a cross, for each and everyone of MY sins.  how am I, kelsey morgan, worthy of this i thought that day.  i kept thinking all day, how ashamed i was, but then it hit me, because HE LOVES ME.  i can never outsin HIM.  wow, if you really think about HIS love and how much he covers us in grace, it will bring you to your knees and it is powerful.  i was in my living room, on the floor, just crying out to him.  i have never felt HIS love and his grace so much in my whole life. 

all i can say is that i am a work in progress, this whole grace thing isn't easy, but i am praying daily for Him to remind me of how wonderful HE is and how great GRACE is. 

Weight Watchers Week 6

So, again I say that I have the exercising thing down and I am doing okay with the keeping track of my points, but eating out is difficult and I do that a lot.  I lost a whopping 0.6 pounds this week, but you know a loss is loss, so I am going with it:)

So far I have lost 9.6 pounds, so that means I have lost 5.8% of my body weight so far.  I just did a killer spin class and the guy beside us said that he burned 820 calories, if only I burned that many, but at least I probably burned 500-600, it was INTENSE.  on to watch the bachelor with the girls to end this monday and hoping for a big weight loss next week, still committed:)

Weight Watchers:: Week 5

I'm saying today's weigh in was by the grace of God, truly, that I lost and did not gain.  I lost a pound, not sure how at all... I decided with my friends coming into town this weekend, that I wasn't counting points.  I also got pretty sick last Wednesday and had to go to urgent care and get a few shots, so that day once I started feeling better, I treated myself to Bojangles:)  I am 100% and committed again, and I had a salad last night for dinner, so we are good now.  Only have seven more weeks of my initial committment and swimsuit time is right around the corner.  My stomach is definitely not where I want it, but I am a continual work in progress in many areas of my life, so I will still work at it and not give up:)  Quick fit was brutal this morning and tonight I will do pilates before the girls and I get together for the Bachelor.

Happy Monday!!!

Weight Watchers:: Week 4

This post is late, because I didn't want to post, but the truth is I didn't lose or gain, stayed the same.  I know there will be weeks like this, as it is hard to lose weight when you are already in your range of weight for your height.  I feel like one of those people on the biggest loser when they didn't lose and people just stare and can't believe, haha.  Truth is though, I had mexican on Valentine's day with some friends and it was freaking awesome:)  I am okay with these results and I still worked out just as hard. 

This week may not be good either, as I have my best friends from college coming to town and we are going to enjoy a girl's weekend.  In addition, I am dating and guys want to treat me to nice meals, so goodness, if I say, no to alcohol and just eat like a rabbit, they think I am weird or have an eating disorder, haha.  I will figure it out and balance, my goal is to lose 25 pounds total, so I CAN do this.

Weight Watchers:: Week 3

Full disclosure, we are not always going to be perfect, haha.  This week I had lasik eye surgery, which for the record was awesome, but these dry eyes they talk about are for the birds... but I am trying to be "aggressive" as they say with the drops.  I am a rule follower, like whoa, so I am hoping that at my one week post check up that all of the concerns I am having will be "normal."  Yesterday I had blurry vision in my right eye that was terrible, and today I can barely keep my eyes open or enough drops in them they are so dry, yikes... but this too will pass, right:)

I went on a retreat with my church, that was amazing (it will get a post to itself) when I get five seconds of free time, but for now, I will say that I had Bojangles on my way home, and it was delicious.  I will say I still counted it and just didn't eat the biscuit, but those french fries tasted WONDERFUL:)  it is so great that you don't have to deprive yourself.  i wasn't allowed to work out for 72 hours, which I thought was nuts, but the rest was good.

So, for Week 3, I still lost, which was great, but only 1.2 pounds.  So, that brings my total weight loss to 5.2% from the start... I'll take it... I have lost a total of 8.6 pounds in three weeks:)  I think this is a healthy way to do it:)

Thanks for all the encouragement:)

Weight Watchers:: Week 2

Yall, this works:)  So, this week it got a little harder, but seeing that this program works is totally worth it!!!  I know that I am developing healthy habits that will stick with me.  The thing is I am watching portion control and learning that you can't just snack (unhealthy) all the time.  When you are bored, you can't just eat.  I need to learn to drink more water. 

So, I am also learning that I have to use my time wisely.  exercise when I can.  I love pilates and my goal is get rid of these love handles and this muffin top (sounds disgusting typing it or saying it, so this is my goal).  I am trying hard not to obssess. 

If someone has any suggestions on how to get me to like veggies more or to enjoy cooking that would be great, because no lie, I hate cooking.  I'd love for my future husband to love to cook, I don't mind cleaning... I am terrible at it.  I even tried to make healthy smoothies recently, but I failed at that, haha. 

So, results for this week... I lost 2.6 pounds... oh yes, that makes a total of 7.4 pounds in 2 weeks:)  Percentage of body weight lost... 4.5% so far:)

weight watchers week 1

i am so thankful that i decided to do this.  is it easy, NO.  i am one week in, and had my first weigh in this morning, and it went well.

so, before i post my results, let me talk about last week....

so, after registering and logging in i found out that i was allowed 26 points a day.  so, monday i wanted to eat like i normally would just to see how many points i would typically eat in a normal day.  i used to eat a bagel thin (110 calories), reduced fat cream cheese, coffee, with no sugar, but with natural creamer (it is delicious), and a strawberry shake.  this was literally like 10 or 11 points, i was shocked, haha.  for lunch i typically eat like a turkey/provolone/avocado panini with mustard and i will take the leftover avocado and make some homemade guacamole with whole grain scoops... this was like 15 points. then for dinner that night i had a you pick two from panera and holy moly the points from that nearly killed me, but i had worked out twice, so i was hungry... i will get to that in a minute.  my baked potato soup (which I only ate half of was 6 points (for the half)).  my thai chopped chicken salad (which i ate half of) was 6 points for the half as well.  the french baguette (how do you spell that) was 4 points.  so, this was 16 points, yikes.  at some point i had a snack of pimento cheese and crackers, but halfed it, which was three points.  i also had an apple and some strawberries, which were zero points... my total point value was 42 or 43... i couldn't believe it.

so, my workouts... you get activity points when you exericse.  i got 68 points for all my workouts.... i worked so hard, many days doing two workouts, but when i commit to something, i don't give 50%, i give 110%.  i will keep up with this as much as possible, because i want to be healthier:)

the best part is you don't have to deprive yourself.  it was restaurant week, so saturday night i saved a lot of my points (flex points and activity ones) and i was able to eat salmon, mashed potatoes and cheese cake.  i only ate half of all, but it was so nice to be able to have some delicious treats, and for the results....

week 1, i lost 4.8 pounds, woohoo!!! I lost 2.93% of my body weight in one week:)

shooting range fun

everyone should go, they even have ladies night on the last thursday of every month

i almost hit the bullseye, lindsey and i did good

who would have ever thought:)

love this

sweet lindsey jo shooting a gun

so yesterday was one of those days that goes down in the record books.  lindsey and i bought a living social a while back, when i still lived in my townhouse, for a couple hours at a shooting range.  i wanted to do this so much, but a huge part of me was scared to death.  lindsey seemed totally fine, so yesterday i was given half a day to volunteer and half a day to take vacation.  lindsey and i met at chic-fil-a and then headed to the range at lake norman.  first, i will say it is a breeding ground for guys, should be an obvious, but maybe i need to head there more often, ha.  after signing a liability and watching a way too short instructional/safety video, they said here is your 22, your headphones, your eyewear, and pick your target... you are good to go.  okay, they let us feel the gun to make sure it "felt okay."  lindsey and i were like, we have no flipping idea, ha.  nick, we were fast friends, was a huge help to us.  actually all of them were, another one, david was nice too.  they had to tell us a lot of times how to shoot, how to load, and many other things, but after a while we got the hang of it.  initially when we walked in, lindsey was a little startled... i really thought we were going to have to leave, but she pulled it together, and we both really enjoyed it.  we had lots of laughs, lots of jams in our gun, and all in all we learned that shooting is not an easy thing.  we also took from this adventure, that if we actually needed it, we are not fast loaders, the person would kill us first.

there was a cute guy, he had a beard, that lindsey kept wanting me to talk to, but unfortunately with the headphones you could barely hear anything but loud booms.  i really wasn't in any position to talk to anyone.  plus, i am currently in my glasses, which are really not that attractive, so after feb. 7th i'll be back at it. 

after we finished at the shooting range, we headed to ikea and then had dinner at chipotle. 

as we get older, and life changes, i was reminded yesterday how rare quality time with your BFF is.  instead of focusing on that this year, i am focusing on how much fun we had and how appreciative i am that we got to do this and that she now has fridays off.  we laughed so hard, we talked, we caught up, and it was such a fun day with lindsey jo!  i can't remember the last time just the two of us spent nearly a whole day together.

i think this is a great idea for someone's 30th or for a fun girl's night out.  i won't be making a shooting range my new hobby, but it will definitely be something i do again:)

weight loss, accountability with friends

so, in the summer of 2008 i was at my heaviest.  a lot of things factored into this, but it was mainly a job where i traveled 80% of the time (had poor diet choices due to never being home or on any sort of a schedule), thyroid problems, and no time to exercise due to work (or at least i used that as my excuse).  i was literally at 200 pounds, for my 5'6" frame.. it was not good.  this is one of the pictures that shows just how big i was. 

ironically this is when i moved to charlotte and i will never forget my dad saying to me that i needed to make some changes and lose some weight, not because i was ugly but more because it was unhealthy and he wanted me to be happier.  i cried when he said this, but i worked hard... i cut back, cut out coke, changed so many things in my diet, and i lost 60 pounds... the below picture is one of me at my skinniest...

i mean, those arms!!!  so, here i am nearly four years later, and i have left off about 45 pounds of it, but i have gained back 20 pounds.  i need it gone.  so that brings me to where i am now...

starting on monday, two of my friends here and i are starting weight watchers.  i am so excited to start this with friends, so we can encourage each other.  we are committed, we are doing this.

my goal is to lose 25 pounds.  feel free to ask, check in, hold me accountable....

here is a picture of me now...

with my sister and sister in laws at christmas...

in addition, i will be doing the following at the gym

monday 6:15 am quick fit, 5:30 pm spin
tuesday 6 pm cardio funk
wednesday 6:15 am total strength
thursday 8:15 am yoga or something at night
friday pilates at lunch 12 noon
saturday spin at 8 am
sunday - varies

i will post weekly updates:)

this is me

the past month and half has been a month of reflection and one that i would prefer to not relive.  sometimes, make that a lot of the time, i hold things in, praying and thinking that they will get better, but when they don't, i reach a point where i have to let it out whether that be in the form of calling someone, crying it out, or emailing.  i have learned, about myself, over the years that if i email someone it usually comes out a lot more organized and clear, than if i call someone and cry through my thoughts, so a lot of times it is best that way in my mind.  you can ask my two best friends from home, they have gotten many of these emails, i know they love them, ha!  i talked a lot about change in my last post, but this one is more about accepting and moving forward. 

recently, someone said to me, "kelsey, i think you do express your desire to be a mom more than most."  sometimes i can be so sensitive.  let's face it, i am me... but has the greatest desire of my heart always been to be a wife and a mom, well yes it has.  do i want this to define me, no i do not.  i think that we learn things about ourselves daily, God teaches us lessons through life struggles, through blessings, through loss, through everyday experiences, etc.  i know that i have prayed so many times that God would take away this desire, so that i will not be the crazy single girl who wants to be married and wants to be a mom, but He hasn't taken it away.  i also try very hard to not talk about it, as the truth is, i cannot control it. 

i recently turned 30, and in the months leading up to it, i had quite a few friends ask me some questions which made me a little sad, but i know they were coming from a good place.  one friend told me all about a friend of hers that she goes to church with that adopted a child, while she was single at like 35, from a third world country and then like six months later, she met her husband.  my friend was just saying that she loved how much i had fallen in love with the country of haiti, and wondered if i had considered adopting from haiti.  i sat at the table thinking... "wait, i am only 29 at this time, why are we having this conversation???  please don't write me off quite yet, there is still HOPE." 

another friend brought it up as well, saying that she could see me adopting some haitian babies and asked if i had considered it?  she said, "you will probably come back with one after your third trip to haiti."  i thought, people, i am only 29.  this would be so hard to raise a child by myself without a husband, but that doesn't mean i would pray and consider this down the road. 

i know my friends said this and it came from a loving place, but facing my reality of being single at 30 is not fun.  many days i like to find joy in the situation; i don't like to focus on it.  what is the point?  who wants to live a life bitter, not this girl, so hearing my friends say thing like this, which in my head i took it as... you should probably start preparing or planning your life without a husband and maybe start the process of adopting a baby on your own, because well you aren't married and we know you want a kid... this was tough. 

in this new year, i think i am going to focus on continuing to do things that i am passionate about, continuing to love on babies and kids, continuing to do what God calls me to do, maybe try to voice this desire a little less, after all, it doesn't help it come true, and continue to work on this JOY thing.  if i had to pick a word for 2013, it would definitely be JOY.  i can find the joy in all situations. 

at the end of my life, no matter how it plays out, i want my friends and family to remember me as someone who loved life, someone who loved God, someone who was passionate and cared for others, someone who was JOYFUL, someone who was not controlled/affected by my circumstances, someone who appreciated and was thankful for the life she was blessed with. 

i know i can be a little over the top, i can be a bit dramatic, i can be an uber planner, i can be a bit talkative, i can be extremely thoughtful, i can get my feelings hurt, i love country music ALOT, i love to stay up late, i hate sitting still, i don't like to read, i love starbucks way too much, i am extremely loyal, i don't really care for change, and the list could go on, but the bottom line is this is ME.  i am who I am, and i am happy with who and how God made me:) 

a new year, a continued work in progress

it's funny the holidays are my favorite time of the year; however, at the same time, it is also a difficult time, as it is a reminder when a new year approaches that i am still alone (actually i am not, but you know what i am saying), and this was not in my plan for my life.  don't worry, this is not a super sad or depressing post, but more of a hopeful one.  i was talking to someone the other day, and i told her that i get so frustrated with myself when i get down and discouraged about being single; it feels as if i am back at square one and i haven't made progress in seeing the joy in this season of my life; however, she reminded me that we are all allowed times when we struggle.  it was a great reminder that i have made a lot of progress in 2012 and i have learned so much in 2012.

this past year has had the most change for me; while some change is good, a lot of change, i am really not a fan of.  i would prefer for things to stay the same, but at the same time dealing with change is inevitable.  my best friend in the entire world got a boyfriend, a serious one, that will become her husband very soon (they aren't engaged yet) and with that came a lot of changes.  she is like my sister, no really she is, and we talked multiple times a day.  remember i work from home by myself, so a lot of times, i just need a human to talk to.  i would call her about the most ridiculous things, i can still do this, but it has changed.  we have both prayed for our future husbands for as long as i can remember, so i couldn't be more happy for her.  with all of this came adjustment for me, i often times felt there was no place for me and felt as though i had been replaced, like she had a new best friend.  what i have learned through all of this is that i have very unrealistic expectations of people, and that i need to rely more on my heavely father.  when i say that she is my best friend; she really is incredible and has tried so very hard to make sure i still have time to talk to her and her and her boyfriend pray for me and my future husband a lot.  i am blessed beyond measure to have her as my best friend, and while she wants a simple wedding, it is still going to be a great celebration praising Jesus for sending her the man of her dreams.

i changed jobs this year, which was such a huge accomplishment for me.  i was promoted in may 2012, and with that brought lots of change.  i was used to traveling about 80% of the time, probably only being in my home office once a week if that.   with my new job came new responsibilities, but also the travel decreased.  I was not used to so much alone time and sitting in my home office 24:7.  i am not going to lie, this has been the hardest part of my job.  there are many days, if i don't have a call with a site, i may not speak to ANYONE... i am extroverted and love people.  it is tough, but i have tried recently to remember how blessed i am to have this job, and one day if i get married and have kids, it will be an amazing job to have.  also, i am one of youngest in this role, so it is definitely an accomplishment to be in my position at my age, so i know that i need to be more thankful.  i have found ways to get out, i go to starbucks or panera to work remotely, which are within walking distance of my condo so that i can interact with people and put on something other than workout clothes:)

one of my best friends in charlotte moved, and while i had ample time to prepare, i think it has been a lot harder than i expected.  you can ask anyone who knows me, i have had the same best friends since kindergarten, but i stay in touch with people.  i have learned that we are all different and that is okay.  i am thankful for grace and my heavenly father who listens to me, when i feel like i am going crazy.  i have been praying so much that God will put new friends that are in similar seasons of life in my community and he has been answering that prayer.  my church has been a great source of community as well, and many of my friends are there.  while many of them are married and have children, i am so thankful for them, as we workout together and can meet for lunch during the day when their kiddos are in preschool.  also, i went to haiti in november with my church, and i have friends that i am not much closer too as a result of this trip:)  i couldn't be more thankful for that, as this season of change and loneliness hasn't been fun.  again, this particular situation showed me that i have very high expectations of people and no one will ever meet all of our expectations, as we are all human and are flawed.

my sister told us that she was pregnant... to say that this has been one that i have had to continually pray about would be an understatement.  don't get me wrong, i am so excited for her and her husband, as i know they prayed for this baby and are ready to be parents to this precious little boy, but i have already had to deal with my younger sister getting married before me, and now the baby.  the youngest grandchild in our family is 24, so to say that everyone in our family is excited, yeah i need to find a synonym.  i know that i was called to be a mom, and i am so sad that i am no where near this point in my life.  i have been very selfish and sad, so i have had to try to learn and see the lessons that God has wanted me to learn through this as well.  i am hopeful that once this baby is born (my parents and i call him "kabota" as kendall and kevin aren't telling the name til he is born) that i will be reminded that being an aunt is important, that i can help my sister out, and that again, there is a reason for the way things have played out.  he may not learn to walk until he is 2, as everyone in our family will probably hold him all the time.  i have to let go of this resentment, because i want to love this little boy and be a wonderful aunt to him:)

i have learned so much about myself, and i know that in 2013 there is so much more for me to learn.  i continue to plead and pray asking God when it will be time for me to meet my husband, but the reality is i am going to be just fine if it isn't in His will, but for now I trust that He knows my heart better than even I know it, so I trust that I will get married when He sees fit.  i am excited for a year in which i want to say Yes when God asked me to something, i want to be open to what lies in store for my life in His will and perfect timing.  the past few years, i have made a list of things relating to the age i turn, but not this year.  this year, i think it is more important to draw closer to the Lord, to focus on having a better attitude and not being bitter, to be more loving, and to focus on being the best version of ME.  i know who i am, and i am thankful that God made me this way.  there are still many things i would like to do, if i have an opportunity to do these things, i will post about them.  also, i am putting it on here as a way to hold myself more accountable, but my goal is to lose 20 pounds.  i can do this!!!

welcome 2013, excited for what is in store, and ready to close the books on 2012.  while all the things that happened, happened in God's perfect timing and i learned so much, i am ready to move forward in 2013!