this is me

the past month and half has been a month of reflection and one that i would prefer to not relive.  sometimes, make that a lot of the time, i hold things in, praying and thinking that they will get better, but when they don't, i reach a point where i have to let it out whether that be in the form of calling someone, crying it out, or emailing.  i have learned, about myself, over the years that if i email someone it usually comes out a lot more organized and clear, than if i call someone and cry through my thoughts, so a lot of times it is best that way in my mind.  you can ask my two best friends from home, they have gotten many of these emails, i know they love them, ha!  i talked a lot about change in my last post, but this one is more about accepting and moving forward. 

recently, someone said to me, "kelsey, i think you do express your desire to be a mom more than most."  sometimes i can be so sensitive.  let's face it, i am me... but has the greatest desire of my heart always been to be a wife and a mom, well yes it has.  do i want this to define me, no i do not.  i think that we learn things about ourselves daily, God teaches us lessons through life struggles, through blessings, through loss, through everyday experiences, etc.  i know that i have prayed so many times that God would take away this desire, so that i will not be the crazy single girl who wants to be married and wants to be a mom, but He hasn't taken it away.  i also try very hard to not talk about it, as the truth is, i cannot control it. 

i recently turned 30, and in the months leading up to it, i had quite a few friends ask me some questions which made me a little sad, but i know they were coming from a good place.  one friend told me all about a friend of hers that she goes to church with that adopted a child, while she was single at like 35, from a third world country and then like six months later, she met her husband.  my friend was just saying that she loved how much i had fallen in love with the country of haiti, and wondered if i had considered adopting from haiti.  i sat at the table thinking... "wait, i am only 29 at this time, why are we having this conversation???  please don't write me off quite yet, there is still HOPE." 

another friend brought it up as well, saying that she could see me adopting some haitian babies and asked if i had considered it?  she said, "you will probably come back with one after your third trip to haiti."  i thought, people, i am only 29.  this would be so hard to raise a child by myself without a husband, but that doesn't mean i would pray and consider this down the road. 

i know my friends said this and it came from a loving place, but facing my reality of being single at 30 is not fun.  many days i like to find joy in the situation; i don't like to focus on it.  what is the point?  who wants to live a life bitter, not this girl, so hearing my friends say thing like this, which in my head i took it as... you should probably start preparing or planning your life without a husband and maybe start the process of adopting a baby on your own, because well you aren't married and we know you want a kid... this was tough. 

in this new year, i think i am going to focus on continuing to do things that i am passionate about, continuing to love on babies and kids, continuing to do what God calls me to do, maybe try to voice this desire a little less, after all, it doesn't help it come true, and continue to work on this JOY thing.  if i had to pick a word for 2013, it would definitely be JOY.  i can find the joy in all situations. 

at the end of my life, no matter how it plays out, i want my friends and family to remember me as someone who loved life, someone who loved God, someone who was passionate and cared for others, someone who was JOYFUL, someone who was not controlled/affected by my circumstances, someone who appreciated and was thankful for the life she was blessed with. 

i know i can be a little over the top, i can be a bit dramatic, i can be an uber planner, i can be a bit talkative, i can be extremely thoughtful, i can get my feelings hurt, i love country music ALOT, i love to stay up late, i hate sitting still, i don't like to read, i love starbucks way too much, i am extremely loyal, i don't really care for change, and the list could go on, but the bottom line is this is ME.  i am who I am, and i am happy with who and how God made me:)