this is life, but i have HOPE

sometimes i use my blog as an outlet, sometimes i am funny, sometimes i am not, tonight is not going to be one for comic relief, but this is my life, the good, the bad, and sometimes writing on my blog is a healthy for me.  to the few of you who read it, i apologize in advance, but i give you permission to skip this post.

the truth is, my life is somewhat of a whirlwind right now, or heck i could even say a storm, but at the same time, i have so many blessings and i am trying so very hard to focus on those and remember God's truths in the midst of all of this.

at 25 i bought a townhouse, i'd like to say it was the dumbest decision i ever made, but a friend from church gave me some great perspective.  she said, be thankful that God gave you the brains, maturity, and stability, while most 25 year olds can barely pay regular bills, this is true.  i could beat myself up everyday for it, but the truth is it is a part of my story, i have learned a lot from this experience, and now i know not to make a huge decision like this again without over-analyzing this like i do everything else in my life.  regardless, it is the biggest source of stress in my life, and the property is underwater by about 50 to 60 thousand dollars.  unfortunately, as i have posted before, i had to move out due to the crime/unsafe living conditions, so i have had renters in the house for the last year.  well, last time i checked, i am single and only have one income.  don't get me wrong, God has blessed me tremendously, but not to the point where i can afford mortgage and rent, without paying tenants. last week, i probably only slept 3-4 hours a night, as i was up researching all of my options, i won't bore you with all of that, but what i will say is prayers are welcome.  i have worked so hard to get where i am, and i am really struggling with pride ( i know it is ugly) and struggling with the lessons God is trying to teach me through all of this.  the positive of this... God is sovereign, He knew this was going to happen, He is ABLE, He will provide, and He will protect me.  He also has provided me a safe, secure condo that i sleep at night, not in fear, and i have great neighbors:)

i think many of you know, i do a lot of celebrating for my friends, God has blessed me with AMAZING friends, for which i could never thank him enough for; however, with that comes that evil word, comparison.  i am about to be in my seventeenth wedding, and this is my best friend in the entire world, oh how excited i am for this one:)  this is her first real long term boyfriend and it turns out he is her future husband:)  the truth is, i am struggling not to be sad when i see or hear about another engagement or pregnancy.  it is hard, as i only get older each day, to remember that there is a reason for this waiting.  i have prayed for God to take this desire away to be a wife and a mom, but He doesn't take it away.  goodness, most days i feel that it only increases.  within the last couple weeks the amount of pregnancy and engagement announcements, wedding invitation, baby shower invitations has been quite overwhelming.  while i am genuinely so excited for my friends, there is a part of me, that is so sad because it isn't happening for me.  i feel as though i do a pretty good job of focusing on celebrating my friends, and never voicing my sadness.  today though, God reminded through my precious friend Lica that he hasn't forgotten.  to say that i lost it and couldn't stop crying would be an understatement...  literally, she text me at 9:17 AM this morning with the following text::

I cannot stop thinking about you.  And have been praying for your heart all this week non-stop.  Just wanted you to know that in case it means anything.  The words "you are the God who seems me" pop in my head for you.  He sees YOU and knows YOUR heart and its desires.  Trust in his plan.  He is FAITHFUL and loves you.  Believe me my heart aches for you.  And it brings ME to tears.  Because the waiting is soooo hard and it may look like he has forgotten.  But I know in my heart he WILL fulfill this promise.  And I'll keep praying until he does:)

there are not enough words of thankfulness i could say to her for her words of encouragement today.  I tend to cover up my hurt or sadness, but her reminder to me today was so needed.  goodness i haven't cried like that in a while, but sometimes you just have to let it out.

the truth is, God hasn't forgotten, but sometimes i think He has.

the following lyrics are encouraging tonight::

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm