a new year, a continued work in progress

it's funny the holidays are my favorite time of the year; however, at the same time, it is also a difficult time, as it is a reminder when a new year approaches that i am still alone (actually i am not, but you know what i am saying), and this was not in my plan for my life.  don't worry, this is not a super sad or depressing post, but more of a hopeful one.  i was talking to someone the other day, and i told her that i get so frustrated with myself when i get down and discouraged about being single; it feels as if i am back at square one and i haven't made progress in seeing the joy in this season of my life; however, she reminded me that we are all allowed times when we struggle.  it was a great reminder that i have made a lot of progress in 2012 and i have learned so much in 2012.

this past year has had the most change for me; while some change is good, a lot of change, i am really not a fan of.  i would prefer for things to stay the same, but at the same time dealing with change is inevitable.  my best friend in the entire world got a boyfriend, a serious one, that will become her husband very soon (they aren't engaged yet) and with that came a lot of changes.  she is like my sister, no really she is, and we talked multiple times a day.  remember i work from home by myself, so a lot of times, i just need a human to talk to.  i would call her about the most ridiculous things, i can still do this, but it has changed.  we have both prayed for our future husbands for as long as i can remember, so i couldn't be more happy for her.  with all of this came adjustment for me, i often times felt there was no place for me and felt as though i had been replaced, like she had a new best friend.  what i have learned through all of this is that i have very unrealistic expectations of people, and that i need to rely more on my heavely father.  when i say that she is my best friend; she really is incredible and has tried so very hard to make sure i still have time to talk to her and her and her boyfriend pray for me and my future husband a lot.  i am blessed beyond measure to have her as my best friend, and while she wants a simple wedding, it is still going to be a great celebration praising Jesus for sending her the man of her dreams.

i changed jobs this year, which was such a huge accomplishment for me.  i was promoted in may 2012, and with that brought lots of change.  i was used to traveling about 80% of the time, probably only being in my home office once a week if that.   with my new job came new responsibilities, but also the travel decreased.  I was not used to so much alone time and sitting in my home office 24:7.  i am not going to lie, this has been the hardest part of my job.  there are many days, if i don't have a call with a site, i may not speak to ANYONE... i am extroverted and love people.  it is tough, but i have tried recently to remember how blessed i am to have this job, and one day if i get married and have kids, it will be an amazing job to have.  also, i am one of youngest in this role, so it is definitely an accomplishment to be in my position at my age, so i know that i need to be more thankful.  i have found ways to get out, i go to starbucks or panera to work remotely, which are within walking distance of my condo so that i can interact with people and put on something other than workout clothes:)

one of my best friends in charlotte moved, and while i had ample time to prepare, i think it has been a lot harder than i expected.  you can ask anyone who knows me, i have had the same best friends since kindergarten, but i stay in touch with people.  i have learned that we are all different and that is okay.  i am thankful for grace and my heavenly father who listens to me, when i feel like i am going crazy.  i have been praying so much that God will put new friends that are in similar seasons of life in my community and he has been answering that prayer.  my church has been a great source of community as well, and many of my friends are there.  while many of them are married and have children, i am so thankful for them, as we workout together and can meet for lunch during the day when their kiddos are in preschool.  also, i went to haiti in november with my church, and i have friends that i am not much closer too as a result of this trip:)  i couldn't be more thankful for that, as this season of change and loneliness hasn't been fun.  again, this particular situation showed me that i have very high expectations of people and no one will ever meet all of our expectations, as we are all human and are flawed.

my sister told us that she was pregnant... to say that this has been one that i have had to continually pray about would be an understatement.  don't get me wrong, i am so excited for her and her husband, as i know they prayed for this baby and are ready to be parents to this precious little boy, but i have already had to deal with my younger sister getting married before me, and now the baby.  the youngest grandchild in our family is 24, so to say that everyone in our family is excited, yeah i need to find a synonym.  i know that i was called to be a mom, and i am so sad that i am no where near this point in my life.  i have been very selfish and sad, so i have had to try to learn and see the lessons that God has wanted me to learn through this as well.  i am hopeful that once this baby is born (my parents and i call him "kabota" as kendall and kevin aren't telling the name til he is born) that i will be reminded that being an aunt is important, that i can help my sister out, and that again, there is a reason for the way things have played out.  he may not learn to walk until he is 2, as everyone in our family will probably hold him all the time.  i have to let go of this resentment, because i want to love this little boy and be a wonderful aunt to him:)

i have learned so much about myself, and i know that in 2013 there is so much more for me to learn.  i continue to plead and pray asking God when it will be time for me to meet my husband, but the reality is i am going to be just fine if it isn't in His will, but for now I trust that He knows my heart better than even I know it, so I trust that I will get married when He sees fit.  i am excited for a year in which i want to say Yes when God asked me to something, i want to be open to what lies in store for my life in His will and perfect timing.  the past few years, i have made a list of things relating to the age i turn, but not this year.  this year, i think it is more important to draw closer to the Lord, to focus on having a better attitude and not being bitter, to be more loving, and to focus on being the best version of ME.  i know who i am, and i am thankful that God made me this way.  there are still many things i would like to do, if i have an opportunity to do these things, i will post about them.  also, i am putting it on here as a way to hold myself more accountable, but my goal is to lose 20 pounds.  i can do this!!!

welcome 2013, excited for what is in store, and ready to close the books on 2012.  while all the things that happened, happened in God's perfect timing and i learned so much, i am ready to move forward in 2013!