But blessed are those who trust in the LORD and have made the LORD their hope and confidence. Jeremiah 17:7 NLT
so, anyone who knows me knows that i've struggled pretty much my whole life with self-confidence/self-doubt or straight up negativity when it comes to my life. i like to call it, being realistic, but a while back someone told me that my "realistic" attitude is actually doubting God and it really made me stop and think.
unlike most people who struggle with confidence and self-doubt, they have very distinct memories from their childhood like they were afraid to try something or do something for fear that their mom or dad wouldn't be there. for me, this is certainly not the case. my biological father did pass away when i was seven years old, but my step dad married my mom when i was seven and he has been there for me every step of the way. my mom worked a lot when i was younger, so my grandparents helped raise my sister and me. i honestly cannot remember a time when i felt as though someone wasn't there for me. the one thing i do remember was a constant need to compare. from a very early age, i wanted to be like everyone else. i wanted to fit in and have the brand name things and my mom tried her best to provide the best for us. i'm not really sure where this need to "fit in" came from, but i remember it continually got worse as i went through elementary, middle, and high school.
in middle school, there is a thing called junior cotillion, and you have to be invited. i remember, i wasn't invited and i was crushed. pretty much all of my friends were at least invited, and i didn't understand why I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH to be asked to participate. i am fairly certain that my parents would not have been able to afford it, but it made me feel so insignificant at 12 years old to not be invited. i guess you could say that this was a pretty significant memory for me.
for one of my last projects in high school i had to write an autobiography. one of the chapters had to be about an area that we need to improve upon. i remember sitting in my living room, asking my mother, "what do you think my weakness is?" without hesitation, she said, "Your pessimism or negativity." i knew it was true, but didn't want to face the fact that i needed to improve, i just wanted to be truthful and realistic. my best friend lindsey is the internal optimist, which i used to say, she lived in a cloud or was floating in la-la land. not this girl, not a dreamer, just a straight shooter, so i guess we needed to find a balance between the two of us.
i went off to college, and thought i would find my confidence there. here i was, a small town girl from lincolnton, nc carrying out her dream to go to unc. i loved college, but it brought lots of emptiness. i ran from God in college; i gave Him the occasional Sunday, but I was not where I needed to be. after graduation, i lived in Raleigh, and things got progressively worse. i hadn't had a boyfriend in years, i had gained nearly 40 pounds since college, and i was depressed. i was searching for any type of significance on this earth, but i found nothing...
luckily, i found Hope Community Church and my small group which was my saving grace my last year in Raleigh before moving back to Charlotte. God was preparing my heart and teaching me things, laying foundation for things to come. i had already decided to move back closer to home, so i moved thinking this was going to be my big answer, it was going to solve all of my problems.
i've been in charlotte for about three years now, i absolutely love it here. how i am feeling, yeah? i've made significant progress many times in the past three to four years; however, i have had many setbacks. i have a huge fear of rejection; every time i am rejected, it is like every irrational thought comes flooding back. no matter how much i try to combat the enemies lies with God's truth, it is like Satan wins. last April I went on a Women's Retreat, i had a divine appointment one of the nights and completely laid all my fears, my lack of confidence, self doubt, and fear of rejection at the foot of the cross... no one knew what i wrote on my card except me. Amazingly, while I was giving my fear of rejection/lack of confidence at the cross, God was providing encouragement to me through my friend Lica, who was busy writing one of the sweetest letters i have ever received in my whole life. she comes over to me and hands me this letter and says, i have no idea why, but God told me to give this to you. (Lica, if you are reading this, don't worry I won't share it with the world, ha.) Seriously, though this is one of those things where if you ever doubt that there is a God, please don't... it was like He used Lica's hand to write the letter, but that letter is like a LOVE letter straight to me from Him:) i felt so loved, so free from that bondage, and so ready to move forward with my life.
here we are nearly a year a half later, and i am not free. i am still struggling. tuesday was not a good day for me; i felt so trapped, like how can this be? that fear of rejection that i spoke of, the thought that i am never going to be good enough for anyone, that i am the ugliest person, every one of these irrational thoughts filled my head and made my heart hurt all day. i was mad at myself that i couldn't rely on God's love and that i was so sad. luckily God provides us with friends who can love us, encourage us, speak truth to us, and comfort us, i needed them on tuesday, but i am glad they know me well enough to encourage, but not dwell. wednesday, i wake up and my devotion for the day was on confidence:) oh yeah, God was totally looking out for me. i know that MY GOD loves me, he wants me to be free from this:) I WANT TO BE COMPLETELY CONFIDENT IN CHRIST:) i want to fully trust HIM:) i know that God has a plan and starting this week, i am going to work on reading His word and ultimately never believing the enemies lies about my self-worth again. i started a book today called, A Confident Heart by Renee Swope. i am so excited about it, and i am pretty sure God is going to change my life forever through this book:)
Here is the prayer from the first chapter:
Lord, I pray that You would give me a confident heart in Christ. Take me beyond believing in You to truly believing You. Help me rely on the power of Your promises and live like they are true. You say blessed is the one who trusts in You and whose hope and confidence are found in You. Those who hope in You will not be disappointed, because You work all things together for good for those who love You and are called according to Your purpose.
When self-doubt tells me I can’t overcome my insecurities, I will believe Your promise that all things are possible to whoever believes. I will not throw away my confidence, because You say it will be richly rewarded. I will persevere so that when I have done the will of God, I will receive what You have promised. My confidence is in Christ and I am no longer one who shrinks back and is destroyed, but one who believes and is saved! In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
mid year progress report
let's just get to the things that were carried over from 2010:
1. This is probably the most important one to me in 2011. I want to trust God and go where HE leads and go on a mission trip. I attempted this is 2010, but the trip was canceled. I have tried to not let this be completely discouraging, so I pray that God will provide an opportunity where He wants me to be, the passport is ready:)
UPDATE:: I am going to Haiti in October of this year, so excited for this opportunity and for what God is going to do through me in the lives of the children. I am so ready to grow, serve, love, and be forever changed.
2. Still working on this bedtime thing... I will go to bed earlier. My normal bedtime is 1:00 AM or later, so my goal is to get in bed by 11:00 PM each night.
UPDATE: Still trying to improve, but in the past week and a half, I have been in bed by midnight, which is in the 11 o'clock hour, woohoo. I say it is progress.
3. I will get up and do my quiet time in the morning, instead of doing it at night.
UPDATE: Piggy backing off of the last one, this week surprisingly I have gotten up and done my quiet time in the morning, I have been a little tired, but small steps. I am determined to do this as I know my days will be better if I start out spending time with God:)
4. Running made it to the list last year ( I did learn that I will never be a sprinter), but this year my goal is to actually complete a 5K. My goal is to complete one in the cooler months, as I hate to be extremely hot, hehe. [ I do think I am going to need someone to run this with me to hold me accountable. ]
UPDATE: Well, I ran a 5K in March:) Don't worry I didn't finish first, but I didn't finish last. My main goal was to not walk, it had about seven big hills, so I did take like 10 or so steps (walking), but overall I was so proud of myself. I want to run another one in September for CampCare, so I'll keep you posted on that one.
5. Sewing thing, needs improvement. I need lessons, maybe I will take a class. Seriously, I want to get better at this, it means so much to me because my grandmother was so good good. The dress I wanted to make last year didn't happen, so maybe this year.
UPDATE: I did take a beginner's sewing class, learned a few things, but I need to continue. Wish Whit still lived here, she would take classes with me.
6. Make turkey and dressing this year. We will see who will let me be this adventurous, hehe.
UPDATE: Yeah, let's move on.
New this year:
7. Since I tried a new food every month last year, this year I will cook something new every month. If I can try a new food still, that would be awesome. I am sure after seeing the new foods list, you know there are many foods out there I still haven't tried.
UPDATE: Well, the first five months, Lindsey and Crystal were onboard with me, we would alternate who cooked the main dish and it was awesome. With Crystal's wedding in June that made June super busy, but I have been cooking new thing on my own:) I will show pictures at the end of the year!
8. To go zip lining with my family. I am somewhat cheating on this one, as my brother Chris and I got this for him for Christmas:) I cannot wait though, it is going to be so much fun. I will also go with my friends, as we had talked about this, and it is so much, so why not?
UPDATE: Well, the certificates for mom and dad have been purchased, don't know when they are going, hoping I'll go with them. Hoping I can go with my friends, but we tried for Casey's bday and it didn't work out. REALLY want to do this:)
9. Complete the Crown Financial Class, as I want to make smarter financial choices.
UPDATE: Did this and learned so much. I need to apply these principals daily:)
10. Create a collage of old pictures of my great grandparents, grandparents, and parents in my stairwell. I am very excited about this project, as my Momaw and Popaw Abby (great grandparents) , my Momaw Saine (great grandmother), and Mom (my grandmother) meant so much to me.
UPDATE: Did this and oh my gosh, I love walking down my staircase now... these pictures make my heart smile.
11. Give blood as many times as I can in 2011. As many of you know, my grandfather was diagnosed with a type of lymphoma this year and had to have several blood transfusions. I only gave blood like once in 2010, and it is really such a simple thing I can do to help so many who need it. It really could save someone's life... if helped my grandfather!!!
UPDATE: Found out I am a candidate for double reds, so yes I have already given once, you actually can't give as often as a double reds, but my next appointment is in August. Unfortunately, I will not be able to give for a year once I go to Haiti, but I will start again after that year.
12. Read a book a month. To most of you, you are probably thinking that is nothing, but I am really not a big fan of reading.... I am just a slow reader. January = the me I want to be, February = Mark of the Lion Series, then I'll see how I am doing, hehe
UPDATE: Well, I have not done so well in this category, but I did read Heaven is for Real and Sweet Caroline and yes that is all, haha
13. Work resolution: I am going to try EXTREMELY hard to do my reports ahead of time and not on the last day, no more procrastinating. I think this will be huge for my work/life balance and going to bed earlier.
UPDATE: Started out strong, made some improvements, got slack and trying to do better again:)
14. Challenge myself to not eat out for a whole week, not one time. Also, to most, this probably wouldn't be hard, but for a girl who doesn't like cooking and doesn't think much of eating out every day (especially because I am out of town most days for my job), this will not be easy. If I get good, I'll try to do this once a month.
UPDATE: Kasey and I did a no-spending challenge and I did it:) I only ate out once that whole week for Kathryn and Gilbert's graduation, woohoo:)
15. Only allow myself two starbucks a week. It will help me save money too.
UPDATE: Well, yeah this problem is out of control, haha. Completely 100% addicted to my starbucks.
16. Be a little more confident when it comes to guys, I am sure all of my good friends are laughing at this one, as we all know this has never been something I have been good at... maybe we can all pray together on this one or maybe it will provide more funny stories.
UPDATE: Started a book today, ironically, called A Confident Heart, excited for all that God is going to teach me:)
17. Watch an old movie that I haven't ever seen before (1 a month ) there is a list so long it isn't even funny:: Braveheart, Lord of the Rings, Big, Sixteen Candles, Star Wars, Iron Man, etc
UPDATE: I have watched the following so far:: Sixteen Candles (loved it), Breakfast at Tiffanys (didn't really care for it), Men of Honor (cried the whole time), Can't Buy Me Love and I know there have been more but I can't think right now
18. Lose 10 more pounds, don't worry this is a personal goal and if I don't, I won't lose any sleep over it, but I do want to lose these 10 pounds to be at an ideal weight for my height.
UPDATE: Will let you know at the end of the year:)
19. Try a yoga class, probably going to stay away from a hot yoga class, haha.
UPDATE: Does it count if I did yoga with Casey at her house?
20. Try five new restaurants this year. Should make it more, but we will start with five.
UPDATE: I know I have tried something new, just can't think right now, haha.
21. Get up two days a week, possibly Wednesday and Thursday, and workout before work. Maybe I could do another boot camp:) It was great discipline and got me out of bed.
UPDATE: hahahahahah
22. Go to the mountains, enjoy a hike, and take in God's beauty. Prefer to do this with friends:) Let's plan a trip.
UPDATE: Glad there are still a few months to go in this year, it hasn't happened yet.
23. Make my bed each day, sounds silly for someone who keeps her house extremely clean, I mean, I am OCD about the cleanliness of my house, but this is the one thing that I do not do, haha. So, when I get up, I will make my bed daily:)
UPDATE: Forgot I put this on there, need to do this.
24. Start reading the Bible all the way through, I'm staring Jan. 1. I'm going at my own pace and excited to learn more and grow.
UPDATE: Still need to do this.
25. Spend quality time with grandfather. He is the only grandparent that I have left.
UPDATE: Love the time I do spend with him whether it is on Sundays or Saturday at BBQ King:)
26. Visit a new city, preferably for fun, not for work:)
UPDATE: Well, I did go to Waycross, GA for work, but I hope that is not my new city for 2011, it was a dump:(
27. I haven't scrapbooked much in 2010, get back to it, I really enjoy it.
UPDATE: Made a scrapbook for Whit for her wedding, so that was great. Organized a bunch of stuff so I could scrapbook, but just haven't yet.
28. Be more spontaneous/maybe we will go with adventurous... just go with the flow. I can be creative with this one, I'll blog about my adventures in 2011.
UPDATE: Don't know what I have done that is spontaneous or adventurous, haha
29. Simple: Be more thankful, you only get one life and I shouldn't spend my life dwelling on what I do not have, but thanking God for all the blessings in my life.
UPDATE: I am so unbelievably thankful for my family, friends, job, my church, and the opportunities that I have each day:) I need to remember this more often:)
1. This is probably the most important one to me in 2011. I want to trust God and go where HE leads and go on a mission trip. I attempted this is 2010, but the trip was canceled. I have tried to not let this be completely discouraging, so I pray that God will provide an opportunity where He wants me to be, the passport is ready:)
UPDATE:: I am going to Haiti in October of this year, so excited for this opportunity and for what God is going to do through me in the lives of the children. I am so ready to grow, serve, love, and be forever changed.
2. Still working on this bedtime thing... I will go to bed earlier. My normal bedtime is 1:00 AM or later, so my goal is to get in bed by 11:00 PM each night.
UPDATE: Still trying to improve, but in the past week and a half, I have been in bed by midnight, which is in the 11 o'clock hour, woohoo. I say it is progress.
3. I will get up and do my quiet time in the morning, instead of doing it at night.
UPDATE: Piggy backing off of the last one, this week surprisingly I have gotten up and done my quiet time in the morning, I have been a little tired, but small steps. I am determined to do this as I know my days will be better if I start out spending time with God:)
4. Running made it to the list last year ( I did learn that I will never be a sprinter), but this year my goal is to actually complete a 5K. My goal is to complete one in the cooler months, as I hate to be extremely hot, hehe. [ I do think I am going to need someone to run this with me to hold me accountable. ]
UPDATE: Well, I ran a 5K in March:) Don't worry I didn't finish first, but I didn't finish last. My main goal was to not walk, it had about seven big hills, so I did take like 10 or so steps (walking), but overall I was so proud of myself. I want to run another one in September for CampCare, so I'll keep you posted on that one.
5. Sewing thing, needs improvement. I need lessons, maybe I will take a class. Seriously, I want to get better at this, it means so much to me because my grandmother was so good good. The dress I wanted to make last year didn't happen, so maybe this year.
UPDATE: I did take a beginner's sewing class, learned a few things, but I need to continue. Wish Whit still lived here, she would take classes with me.
6. Make turkey and dressing this year. We will see who will let me be this adventurous, hehe.
UPDATE: Yeah, let's move on.
New this year:
7. Since I tried a new food every month last year, this year I will cook something new every month. If I can try a new food still, that would be awesome. I am sure after seeing the new foods list, you know there are many foods out there I still haven't tried.
UPDATE: Well, the first five months, Lindsey and Crystal were onboard with me, we would alternate who cooked the main dish and it was awesome. With Crystal's wedding in June that made June super busy, but I have been cooking new thing on my own:) I will show pictures at the end of the year!
8. To go zip lining with my family. I am somewhat cheating on this one, as my brother Chris and I got this for him for Christmas:) I cannot wait though, it is going to be so much fun. I will also go with my friends, as we had talked about this, and it is so much, so why not?
UPDATE: Well, the certificates for mom and dad have been purchased, don't know when they are going, hoping I'll go with them. Hoping I can go with my friends, but we tried for Casey's bday and it didn't work out. REALLY want to do this:)
9. Complete the Crown Financial Class, as I want to make smarter financial choices.
UPDATE: Did this and learned so much. I need to apply these principals daily:)
10. Create a collage of old pictures of my great grandparents, grandparents, and parents in my stairwell. I am very excited about this project, as my Momaw and Popaw Abby (great grandparents) , my Momaw Saine (great grandmother), and Mom (my grandmother) meant so much to me.
UPDATE: Did this and oh my gosh, I love walking down my staircase now... these pictures make my heart smile.
11. Give blood as many times as I can in 2011. As many of you know, my grandfather was diagnosed with a type of lymphoma this year and had to have several blood transfusions. I only gave blood like once in 2010, and it is really such a simple thing I can do to help so many who need it. It really could save someone's life... if helped my grandfather!!!
UPDATE: Found out I am a candidate for double reds, so yes I have already given once, you actually can't give as often as a double reds, but my next appointment is in August. Unfortunately, I will not be able to give for a year once I go to Haiti, but I will start again after that year.
12. Read a book a month. To most of you, you are probably thinking that is nothing, but I am really not a big fan of reading.... I am just a slow reader. January = the me I want to be, February = Mark of the Lion Series, then I'll see how I am doing, hehe
UPDATE: Well, I have not done so well in this category, but I did read Heaven is for Real and Sweet Caroline and yes that is all, haha
13. Work resolution: I am going to try EXTREMELY hard to do my reports ahead of time and not on the last day, no more procrastinating. I think this will be huge for my work/life balance and going to bed earlier.
UPDATE: Started out strong, made some improvements, got slack and trying to do better again:)
14. Challenge myself to not eat out for a whole week, not one time. Also, to most, this probably wouldn't be hard, but for a girl who doesn't like cooking and doesn't think much of eating out every day (especially because I am out of town most days for my job), this will not be easy. If I get good, I'll try to do this once a month.
UPDATE: Kasey and I did a no-spending challenge and I did it:) I only ate out once that whole week for Kathryn and Gilbert's graduation, woohoo:)
15. Only allow myself two starbucks a week. It will help me save money too.
UPDATE: Well, yeah this problem is out of control, haha. Completely 100% addicted to my starbucks.
16. Be a little more confident when it comes to guys, I am sure all of my good friends are laughing at this one, as we all know this has never been something I have been good at... maybe we can all pray together on this one or maybe it will provide more funny stories.
UPDATE: Started a book today, ironically, called A Confident Heart, excited for all that God is going to teach me:)
17. Watch an old movie that I haven't ever seen before (1 a month ) there is a list so long it isn't even funny:: Braveheart, Lord of the Rings, Big, Sixteen Candles, Star Wars, Iron Man, etc
UPDATE: I have watched the following so far:: Sixteen Candles (loved it), Breakfast at Tiffanys (didn't really care for it), Men of Honor (cried the whole time), Can't Buy Me Love and I know there have been more but I can't think right now
18. Lose 10 more pounds, don't worry this is a personal goal and if I don't, I won't lose any sleep over it, but I do want to lose these 10 pounds to be at an ideal weight for my height.
UPDATE: Will let you know at the end of the year:)
19. Try a yoga class, probably going to stay away from a hot yoga class, haha.
UPDATE: Does it count if I did yoga with Casey at her house?
20. Try five new restaurants this year. Should make it more, but we will start with five.
UPDATE: I know I have tried something new, just can't think right now, haha.
21. Get up two days a week, possibly Wednesday and Thursday, and workout before work. Maybe I could do another boot camp:) It was great discipline and got me out of bed.
UPDATE: hahahahahah
22. Go to the mountains, enjoy a hike, and take in God's beauty. Prefer to do this with friends:) Let's plan a trip.
UPDATE: Glad there are still a few months to go in this year, it hasn't happened yet.
23. Make my bed each day, sounds silly for someone who keeps her house extremely clean, I mean, I am OCD about the cleanliness of my house, but this is the one thing that I do not do, haha. So, when I get up, I will make my bed daily:)
UPDATE: Forgot I put this on there, need to do this.
24. Start reading the Bible all the way through, I'm staring Jan. 1. I'm going at my own pace and excited to learn more and grow.
UPDATE: Still need to do this.
25. Spend quality time with grandfather. He is the only grandparent that I have left.
UPDATE: Love the time I do spend with him whether it is on Sundays or Saturday at BBQ King:)
26. Visit a new city, preferably for fun, not for work:)
UPDATE: Well, I did go to Waycross, GA for work, but I hope that is not my new city for 2011, it was a dump:(
27. I haven't scrapbooked much in 2010, get back to it, I really enjoy it.
UPDATE: Made a scrapbook for Whit for her wedding, so that was great. Organized a bunch of stuff so I could scrapbook, but just haven't yet.
28. Be more spontaneous/maybe we will go with adventurous... just go with the flow. I can be creative with this one, I'll blog about my adventures in 2011.
UPDATE: Don't know what I have done that is spontaneous or adventurous, haha
29. Simple: Be more thankful, you only get one life and I shouldn't spend my life dwelling on what I do not have, but thanking God for all the blessings in my life.
UPDATE: I am so unbelievably thankful for my family, friends, job, my church, and the opportunities that I have each day:) I need to remember this more often:)
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