kasey-k (should have been nov. 3rd post)

so, today i am thankful for my best friend in charlotte kasey:) i met her just a few months after moving here, and without a doubt, i know God put her in my life for a reason. she is the wisest, most dependable, reliable, and loving friend ever. when i first met kasey, she was my life group leader. at this time in my life, i was in a point in my life, when i wanted to grow in my relationship with God and she was just the friend God sent to help me do just that. as many of you know, i tend to read things and not understand, between lindsey and kasey, i immediately know, especially when it comes to not understanding a Bible verse. kase has challenged me to do things and to trust God more. i remember we read a book in our group, Crazy Love. this book really made you think outside of the box and i had been praying for God to give me the courage, the faith to step up and give back. i was so scared to go on a mission trip, but kase was about to go to the Congo. by seeing the awesome experience that kasey had and how God showed up in mighty ways, by reading Francis Chan's book, and with support from her... as you know, i just returned from my first mission trip to Haiti. kasey listens to me tell the same story 100 times and never complains, for that i cannot say thank you enough. we can have fun cutting out art for the children on sunday morning, watching football games, going shopping, trying some new recipe (have i mentioned she is the best cook), going to disneyworld (can we go again, please), or pretty much anything! today i just wanted to say how thankful i am for my friend kasey! i can't imagine my life without her and love her to death.

continuing to be thankful, Crystal

so, this person has been my best friend since kindergarden. we played in mrs. bradshaw's sandbox together, we loved mrs. nixon in 2nd grade, we made it through the awkward years of middle school, we rode in each other's cars for the first time on the day we got our license, lots of memories together. we have cried over more boys, and goodness you would have thought life was ending many times, but i am glad our dramatic ways have kept us on our toes and provided laughs after the fact. crystal is my friend that will be there for me no matter, she is so loyal and always has my back. i find so much comfort in my friendship with crystal. there is no way i would be who i am today without her. she provides more laughs than any other of my friends, you cannot be around her and not laugh... put her and nicole together and you are probably crying you are laughing so hard. crystal and i didn't see eye to eye when it came to college, she wanted to stay home and i wanted to go away... i didn't want to be away from her, but knew that despite what everyone said, we would still be best friends... every chance i got in college, i went home and we hung out just like we hadn't missed a day. she came to visit and it was great:) i'm happy to say that ten years since high school, we are still just as close as we were the day i left for school, luckily now i live only about 45 minutes from lincolnton so we get to see each other more often. crystal has always supported me and been there for me no matter what. no matter what i am going through, no matter how upset i am, if i call her, she is there for me, and for that i cannot say thank you enough (i may have already called ten times before, but i'll try to say it differently each time, she still listens). crystal recently got married, and i was so worried that our friendship would change, but it really hasn't. i am so happy for her and dusty, think the world of him and so glad that she found the man God had for her. today, i just wanted to say thanks for being there for me, for loving me, and for being such a wonderful, loving friend to me:)

Thankful in November, the people that make up my life.... LJ

I guess November really makes us all think about how much we have to be thankful for, last year, I posted on here daily in November what I was thankful for, most people post it on FB, but I tend to be a bit wordy, so I'll do something similar this year. We all know things and people we are thankful for, so this year, I thought I would post about people in my life that God has blessed me with that I am thankful for. I hope I don't leave someone off, but here goes... I didn't post on November 1st, so here is what should have been posted on that day: Today I am thankful for my best friend Lindsey Jo. We all have friends that we have had forever, when we say that we can't remember a time when your weren't friends with this person, well Lindsey and I have that time, haha. We weren't that close until end of 5th grade/beginning of 6th grade. You see, we knew each other, were casual friends at school, but she didn't invite me to a birthday party in the 5th grade, so I will never let her live that down:) Something changed over that summer into 6th grade and we have literally been inseparable since... I can't think of ANYTHING (except the year she was in Kenya that Lindsey hasn't been at, every big moment in my life), and that girl is on my speed dial like you wouldn't believe. We fight like sisters, we laugh all the time, and we analyze lots. Lindsey is the definition of a best friend. There isn't a time when she hasn't been there for me, we literally talk more than most people talk to their kids, haha... I probably talk to her 4-5 times a day, some conversations last a minute, some hours... the best part, she hates to talk on the phone, but this is just a great example of how she is so giving, as she talks and listens because she knows I am a phone person. She knows exactly what to say to calm me down, because we know that I tend to be a bit dramatic at times. She is very wise, and always has an answer from a book... I could basically give her a book to read that I maybe wanted to read, she could read it and give me the cliff notes:) I don't know if I would make it without her as my best friend. There isn't a more loyal, supportive, trustworthy person on the face of this earth. She is the most self-sacrificing person I know. I am not sure how I got this lucky to have her as a best friend, but I am so thankful today and all days. I hope I am half of the friend she is to me to others:) Love you Lindsey Jo!!!

Haiti Mission Trip: Day 3-5

So sorry it has taken me this long, but work has been a bit busy and then I went out of town this past weekend, so let the story continue... Monday morning was our first day to run the clinic. Our morning started at 5:45 AM, because Kristen forgot to adjust her alarm the time change, so that provided a good laugh when Georgia, who is 11, corrected her:) We had oatmeal, bananas, bread, peanut butter, and jelly this day. I think this was the day I tried my first peanut butter and banana sandwich, not too bad. I couldn't really stomach the oatmeal, as it was basically the sweetest oatmeal you have ever tried, Kristen said, "it tastes like playdough," I thought that was funny, as personally I haven't ever tried playdough. Around 9 AM We headed down to the clinic with Jaques. Patrick, Tony, and Kevin all went to the hospital this day, so they let Jacques (family practice doctor), Kristen, Mary Alice, Beth, and me handle the clinic that day. It was a little overwhelming being the first day, but I was able to keep up and fill all the prescriptions. Beth and Mary Alice were the amazing triage team, and we couldn't have pulled it off without them:) Jaques and Kristen made quite the team, and they saw 38 patients that day. He even did some simple procedures, so that was pretty impressive, we quickly learned how valuable or appreciative the patients were for tylenol. Honestly, I had a moment back in the pharmacy thinking these people have waited in triage/waiting area for hours all for a bag of tylenol; something so many of us take for granted. A lot of the kids needed oral antibiotics, so I went back to the days of mixing up oral suspensions. In addition, we also had to mix IVs, so I used my knowledge from the oncology pharmacy at UNC Hospitals and was able to help in that area as well. We did not have power after about 2:30 pm this day, so imagine running a medical clinic with head lamps/lights and no running water, it was quite challenging at times. I had to hold a little baby to get her weight at one point during the day, who couldn't have been any older than 9 months and it hit me that she did not have on a diaper or anything, just a dress. Little things like this are an everyday thing there, but it was hard to process at times. We didn't think to take cloth diapers or any kind of diapers, and I felt so helpless. I gave lots of doses of tylenol to little kids, but one stood out, he was five years old and only weighed about 22 -24 pounds. He was so tiny, and I just wanted to pick him up, hold him, and feed him.

We returned to the guest house around 6, so this was quite a long day and we had dinner served by Mia. We had carrot slaw (which I really liked), rice and beans, fried plantanes, and meat balls. No one seemed to know what meat was in the meatballs, but I thought why not try it. It was the only meat that I tried the whole time. I didn't have another one. Our power was very spotty this night, but it finally came back on around 9pm and we were all able to shower and sleep:) Pastor Lewis came by to speak to us this night as well, while Jackson played a movie, Finding Nemo (in French) for the kids. They LOVED it:) Pastor Lewis was able to share with all of us the mission and vision for ESMI. Tuesday, Day 4, started at 6:30 AM. We had french toast for breakfast, can we say i loved it, oh yes:) I don't even get that at home, because I am too lazy to cook that in the morning. This was the day that Jazmine came to join me, she was such a great little helper. She would wipe down the pill counters with alcohol wipes or throw stuff away. I could tell she didn't feel well the first day, and all the days that I saw her, she was always so tired. I gave her a very small dose of tylenol and made her a palette on the floor, a concrete floor, made of a few surgical drapes and she slept there for like an hour. It was one of those things where you are happy that she is sleeping, but I was kind of sad that it meant that her sleeping conditions at the girls dorm are probably worse than a concrete floor. When she woke up from her little nap, I asked her if she knew Jesus Loves Me. She didn't talk very much, so I was expecting her to say no or not understand me, but she surprised me, and she started singing Jesus Loves Me in English first, then I asked her to sing it in Creole. It was beautiful. I had tears in my eyes, but quickly pulled it together. Patrick came in and tried to sing with us, but she got a little shy:)

When we got back to the house, we had dinner, which was rice with broth/sauce (yummy), squash, and beat salad, oh goodness I tried it but was not a fan, haha. Unfortunately, this was a rough night for me, as we lost power at maybe midnight and I just couldn't cool off. Wednesday morning I was so on edge, as I hadn't slept a lot, and still couldn't cool off, so I had a moment where I had to really put things into perspective. On a side note, some of my best friends had all written letters for me each day that I was there, so I will say this helped tremendously Wednesday morning. Wednesday, Day 5, we opened the clinic for half a day, as the second half of the day we were going to La Savan (sp) or the slums. The first four hours at the clinic were really hot, and I could barely cool off. A bus was waiting on us to take us, and I had a bad feeling. I didn't have any dramamine that day, and I was hoping/praying for the best. You see, the roads and traffic patterns (or lack there of) are a bit crazy, so the bus ride, the heat, and the bumpy roads provided a great combination for this girl to get a little lightheaded and sickly feeling. We arrived at the church plant, which is basically a warehouse, with no power, no bathrooms, and lots of people already waiting on us. I had to set up the pharmacy, but everything I did made me feel like I was going to pass out, so I had a moment when Kristen came up and was like, are you alright? I started crying and said I think I am going to pass out. All the docs and Kristen took great care of me, and got a fan off the generator and were fanning me with whatever they could find. They gave me their cold water, whatever it took. About 15 minutes I was back to normal. The heat there is no joke, yall. The medical team saw so many patients that we ran out of a lot of our medications, ran out of baggies to put the meds in, and we had to close the clinic around 4 in order to get back to Cambry. The poverty in this area definitely could not be put into words. Lots of very small children ran completely naked through the streets unattended to.

We returned to the house and Mia had dinner served to us. The only thing different this night was fish; I decided to pass on that. We also had an animal cracker baggie production line going in the dark:) I seriously loved the team I served with. Melissa had a great idea to divide evenly all of our animal crackers, which I gladly did the math, and we put 9 in each ziplock. It was a lot of fun, Mary Kate and I worked on this together, as she had her flashlight with her:) This day I prayed a lot for the kids that we all fell in love with to get a good night's sleep. It is like all that you see day in and day out, is so difficult for us to process... I would return to the guest house, showering with bugs, lizards, spiders (maybe), sometimes with power or without for some of us, and feel so defeated, but then quickly realized that I have so much to be thankful for and that this guest house is nice in comparison to what the children leave in. By the last day, I will say I had grown better accustom to the conditions and realized how selfish I was being. Okay, stayed tuned for Day 6-8 soon:)

My Trip to Haiti: Part 1 (Day 1-2)

So, I am going to do my best to sum up my trip in a few blog posts, I don't think I can do it in just one, but I will say this. I don't think you can really put into words all that you experience, all that you see, all that you feel emotionally, and all the hope and despair you see all at one time. My heart is forever changed and there are many times when I am doing something that I do in my everyday life and think of one of those little kids. I wish little Jazmine could be here with me, or I could see her again, but I trust that God is in control and looking after all of the kids at Cambry. We started our trip on Saturday morning, October 1, 2011 at 4:00 AM. The Charlotte airport is pretty dead, but we got on our plane to Miami with no problems:) I could already tell we were going to have a great time, and our five younger girls were already providing lots of entertainment. We landed in Miami and had a few minutes to get some breakfast, so Kevin, Kristen, and I headed to an all you can eat buffet:) So, our last meal was fantastic and we were set for Port au Prince. We arrived in Haiti, and customs/immigrations was a little chaotic. Praise the Lord they didn't go through our medical bags, so once we got outside, we were bombarded with men trying to help us. They all want to help you, so they can make the money. Ted, who helps with the orphanage and is a translator somewhat, helped us and we got on our bus with all of our bags and we started on our bus ride to the orphanage. After about 4.5 hours and one bathroom break, we made it Cambry. The kids were SOOO excited to see us. We first had to unload the bus and get settled into the guest house, but after that and dinner, we headed down the hill to meet the kiddos for the first time. I was a little overwhelmed, but at the same time, so excited for the week ahead.

The next morning we woke up around 5:00 AM (yes, this girl, the non-morning person) was up in this hour almost every day. We had two church services to attend. We went to the church that Pastor Lewis preaches at in the community of Les Cayes. It was definitely one of those moments where you put things in perspective. It was SO hot in that service, but all of the people were so joyful and ready to praise God. They could have worshiped God all day long, regardless of the conditions. I felt horrible as I knew in that moment how spoiled we are. I thought, what if we showed up at church and it was nearly 100 degress outside and we had no AC and no fans, would we stay and praise our Lord and Savior? Although we didn't understand a word that was being said, it was a good experience to see all praising God. After this two hour service, we returned to the orphanage for breakfast. After breakfast, we walked down to attend church with all the kids at the orphanage:) It was this day that I met little Jazmine:) If any of you saw any of the pictures that Blessback posted, she was the little girl that I was always holding. She stole my heart:) She fell asleep on my lap at church. To hear the children singing and praising God in Creole and we were singing in English, was just a glimpse of maybe what Heaven will be like:) I could have listened to the singing all day long. After church we went to the clinic to get ready for the week... LET THE FUN BEGIN.

Many of you know that one of my gifts is organization, so the pharmacy definitely needed it. Melissa and I were happy to get to work, but we could not have finished without Jaques, Patrick and Jackson. Such team work:) We cleared off two whole countertops/tables and that made my day. If I could work in an organized place, that would help me tremendously. I think the pictures show it best. They are in my photo albums on FB, but here are just a few. I will post Days 2-4 tomorrow, hopefully.

To be continued...

my car may be possessed...

so this weekend i headed down to wrightsville beach, nc for a wedding of my friend alison and her now husband, dustin. i had been looking forward to a weekend at the beach especially after the past couple of weeks (can we say my job has been a bit stressful) and hanging out with my friends from college. the wedding turned out great, the weather held out, and we all had a lot of fun at the reception... we jumped in my car after the festivities were over to drop off cars and head out to a local bar to continue hanging out (i wanted to watch some football, haha) and my battery light was on... to top it off, the engine sounded very odd to me. holly helped me not freak out and said, it is probably just the battery don't worry... this morning we were to head out, and of course the light is still on, yippee! the engine or something that has sound still sounded very off to me, but we headed on towards holly's lake house. once there, holly's dad looked at things briefly, and i headed on my way. i called my dad and he said to immediately stop... i didn't want to because i had my last team meeting for my Haiti trip that is in TWO weeks, and that caused me to be beyond irritated. i decided it would be best to stop and when i pulled in, the auto zone people determined the battery was bad and that i needed a new one.... i was fully prepared for the 80 or so dollars, but no, she says, "It will be $120." Now listen, I get inflation, but I bought a battery in 2007, and it was around 80 dollars, that is literally a $40 increase, what in the world. Are these batteries laced in gold? I was so mad. don't worry for all that know me, i told her what i thought, no foul language, but i was not happy. a single female walks into an auto shop or body shop and it is like these people do a happy dance. the guy installs my battery, and i think we should be good to go... you know that hunch i had with the engine not sounding right, well i should have known it would not be that simple. the light stayed on after the new battery was installed, so i was in somewhat of a prediciment. i continue driving, oh how fun 74 is:) once i finally get on 485 and about 3 exits away from the first ballantyne exit, i can feel car completely shutting down and about to start freaking out. i am trying not to panic, but let's face it... dramatic could be my middle name. i was going about 75 or so at this point, and the car completely FREAKS... the gas pedal stops responding, the brakes aren't working, all the lights start flashing on the dashboard (the emergency brake is flashing like i have that on), the ABS light is on, everything and i am like what in the world do i do. if i try to get off on the shoulder, this isn't going to help because i can't stop the car. i manage to get off on rea rd, but i am now in the middle of the exit ramp with no control, i can feel the engine shaking out of control and hood is visibly moving up and down... at this point, i am thinking the freaking car is going to explode. the brakes start working again, but the gas did not. i am not sure how i managed, actually i do, GOD totally protected me and i am pretty sure jumped in that car with me and got me into the target parking lot at stonecrest.... i didn't turn the car off immediately, as my dad is telling me to go to auto zone again, haha... "I am thinking, I am not going a.n.y.w.h.e.r.e in this car, it is about to explode." the engine or something under that hood is shaking more and more at this point, so i am forced to turn it off. i never turned it back on, and the tow company came and got it. thankfully, kasey came to the rescue and got me and all my stuff from the weekend so i could go get a rental car... goodness, i don't know what i would have done without her. i would have been stranded in the target parking lot with like 10 bags waiting on a cab. while this was a completely stressful day, i missed my meeting, there are still a lot of things to be thankful for: 1) that i was able to make it basically home before it completely bombed or wigged out, that i wasn't on the side of the road in some no name town i had never heard of 2) that even though i missed my last haiti mtg, that my friend kristen who is going with me was able to provide me with a great summary 3) that i have a great best friend who came to get me and took me to get my rental car 4) that my dad called and answered all of my frantic phone calls today and took them like a champ... seriously, if you don't know things can be life or death with me, when they probably shouldn't be, but this was scary to me goodness, so thankful to be home:) i need sleep now!

getting a little personal:: confidence

But blessed are those who trust in the LORD and have made the LORD their hope and confidence. Jeremiah 17:7 NLT

so, anyone who knows me knows that i've struggled pretty much my whole life with self-confidence/self-doubt or straight up negativity when it comes to my life. i like to call it, being realistic, but a while back someone told me that my "realistic" attitude is actually doubting God and it really made me stop and think.

unlike most people who struggle with confidence and self-doubt, they have very distinct memories from their childhood like they were afraid to try something or do something for fear that their mom or dad wouldn't be there. for me, this is certainly not the case. my biological father did pass away when i was seven years old, but my step dad married my mom when i was seven and he has been there for me every step of the way. my mom worked a lot when i was younger, so my grandparents helped raise my sister and me. i honestly cannot remember a time when i felt as though someone wasn't there for me. the one thing i do remember was a constant need to compare. from a very early age, i wanted to be like everyone else. i wanted to fit in and have the brand name things and my mom tried her best to provide the best for us. i'm not really sure where this need to "fit in" came from, but i remember it continually got worse as i went through elementary, middle, and high school.

in middle school, there is a thing called junior cotillion, and you have to be invited. i remember, i wasn't invited and i was crushed. pretty much all of my friends were at least invited, and i didn't understand why I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH to be asked to participate. i am fairly certain that my parents would not have been able to afford it, but it made me feel so insignificant at 12 years old to not be invited. i guess you could say that this was a pretty significant memory for me.

for one of my last projects in high school i had to write an autobiography. one of the chapters had to be about an area that we need to improve upon. i remember sitting in my living room, asking my mother, "what do you think my weakness is?" without hesitation, she said, "Your pessimism or negativity." i knew it was true, but didn't want to face the fact that i needed to improve, i just wanted to be truthful and realistic. my best friend lindsey is the internal optimist, which i used to say, she lived in a cloud or was floating in la-la land. not this girl, not a dreamer, just a straight shooter, so i guess we needed to find a balance between the two of us.

i went off to college, and thought i would find my confidence there. here i was, a small town girl from lincolnton, nc carrying out her dream to go to unc. i loved college, but it brought lots of emptiness. i ran from God in college; i gave Him the occasional Sunday, but I was not where I needed to be. after graduation, i lived in Raleigh, and things got progressively worse. i hadn't had a boyfriend in years, i had gained nearly 40 pounds since college, and i was depressed. i was searching for any type of significance on this earth, but i found nothing...

luckily, i found Hope Community Church and my small group which was my saving grace my last year in Raleigh before moving back to Charlotte. God was preparing my heart and teaching me things, laying foundation for things to come. i had already decided to move back closer to home, so i moved thinking this was going to be my big answer, it was going to solve all of my problems.

i've been in charlotte for about three years now, i absolutely love it here. how i am feeling, yeah? i've made significant progress many times in the past three to four years; however, i have had many setbacks. i have a huge fear of rejection; every time i am rejected, it is like every irrational thought comes flooding back. no matter how much i try to combat the enemies lies with God's truth, it is like Satan wins. last April I went on a Women's Retreat, i had a divine appointment one of the nights and completely laid all my fears, my lack of confidence, self doubt, and fear of rejection at the foot of the cross... no one knew what i wrote on my card except me. Amazingly, while I was giving my fear of rejection/lack of confidence at the cross, God was providing encouragement to me through my friend Lica, who was busy writing one of the sweetest letters i have ever received in my whole life. she comes over to me and hands me this letter and says, i have no idea why, but God told me to give this to you. (Lica, if you are reading this, don't worry I won't share it with the world, ha.) Seriously, though this is one of those things where if you ever doubt that there is a God, please don't... it was like He used Lica's hand to write the letter, but that letter is like a LOVE letter straight to me from Him:) i felt so loved, so free from that bondage, and so ready to move forward with my life.

here we are nearly a year a half later, and i am not free. i am still struggling. tuesday was not a good day for me; i felt so trapped, like how can this be? that fear of rejection that i spoke of, the thought that i am never going to be good enough for anyone, that i am the ugliest person, every one of these irrational thoughts filled my head and made my heart hurt all day. i was mad at myself that i couldn't rely on God's love and that i was so sad. luckily God provides us with friends who can love us, encourage us, speak truth to us, and comfort us, i needed them on tuesday, but i am glad they know me well enough to encourage, but not dwell. wednesday, i wake up and my devotion for the day was on confidence:) oh yeah, God was totally looking out for me. i know that MY GOD loves me, he wants me to be free from this:) I WANT TO BE COMPLETELY CONFIDENT IN CHRIST:) i want to fully trust HIM:) i know that God has a plan and starting this week, i am going to work on reading His word and ultimately never believing the enemies lies about my self-worth again. i started a book today called, A Confident Heart by Renee Swope. i am so excited about it, and i am pretty sure God is going to change my life forever through this book:)

Here is the prayer from the first chapter:

Lord, I pray that You would give me a confident heart in Christ. Take me beyond believing in You to truly believing You. Help me rely on the power of Your promises and live like they are true. You say blessed is the one who trusts in You and whose hope and confidence are found in You. Those who hope in You will not be disappointed, because You work all things together for good for those who love You and are called according to Your purpose.

When self-doubt tells me I can’t overcome my insecurities, I will believe Your promise that all things are possible to whoever believes. I will not throw away my confidence, because You say it will be richly rewarded. I will persevere so that when I have done the will of God, I will receive what You have promised. My confidence is in Christ and I am no longer one who shrinks back and is destroyed, but one who believes and is saved! In Jesus’ name, Amen.