But blessed are those who trust in the LORD and have made the LORD their hope and confidence. Jeremiah 17:7 NLT
so, anyone who knows me knows that i've struggled pretty much my whole life with self-confidence/self-doubt or straight up negativity when it comes to my life. i like to call it, being realistic, but a while back someone told me that my "realistic" attitude is actually doubting God and it really made me stop and think.
unlike most people who struggle with confidence and self-doubt, they have very distinct memories from their childhood like they were afraid to try something or do something for fear that their mom or dad wouldn't be there. for me, this is certainly not the case. my biological father did pass away when i was seven years old, but my step dad married my mom when i was seven and he has been there for me every step of the way. my mom worked a lot when i was younger, so my grandparents helped raise my sister and me. i honestly cannot remember a time when i felt as though someone wasn't there for me. the one thing i do remember was a constant need to compare. from a very early age, i wanted to be like everyone else. i wanted to fit in and have the brand name things and my mom tried her best to provide the best for us. i'm not really sure where this need to "fit in" came from, but i remember it continually got worse as i went through elementary, middle, and high school.
in middle school, there is a thing called junior cotillion, and you have to be invited. i remember, i wasn't invited and i was crushed. pretty much all of my friends were at least invited, and i didn't understand why I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH to be asked to participate. i am fairly certain that my parents would not have been able to afford it, but it made me feel so insignificant at 12 years old to not be invited. i guess you could say that this was a pretty significant memory for me.
for one of my last projects in high school i had to write an autobiography. one of the chapters had to be about an area that we need to improve upon. i remember sitting in my living room, asking my mother, "what do you think my weakness is?" without hesitation, she said, "Your pessimism or negativity." i knew it was true, but didn't want to face the fact that i needed to improve, i just wanted to be truthful and realistic. my best friend lindsey is the internal optimist, which i used to say, she lived in a cloud or was floating in la-la land. not this girl, not a dreamer, just a straight shooter, so i guess we needed to find a balance between the two of us.
i went off to college, and thought i would find my confidence there. here i was, a small town girl from lincolnton, nc carrying out her dream to go to unc. i loved college, but it brought lots of emptiness. i ran from God in college; i gave Him the occasional Sunday, but I was not where I needed to be. after graduation, i lived in Raleigh, and things got progressively worse. i hadn't had a boyfriend in years, i had gained nearly 40 pounds since college, and i was depressed. i was searching for any type of significance on this earth, but i found nothing...
luckily, i found Hope Community Church and my small group which was my saving grace my last year in Raleigh before moving back to Charlotte. God was preparing my heart and teaching me things, laying foundation for things to come. i had already decided to move back closer to home, so i moved thinking this was going to be my big answer, it was going to solve all of my problems.
i've been in charlotte for about three years now, i absolutely love it here. how i am feeling, yeah? i've made significant progress many times in the past three to four years; however, i have had many setbacks. i have a huge fear of rejection; every time i am rejected, it is like every irrational thought comes flooding back. no matter how much i try to combat the enemies lies with God's truth, it is like Satan wins. last April I went on a Women's Retreat, i had a divine appointment one of the nights and completely laid all my fears, my lack of confidence, self doubt, and fear of rejection at the foot of the cross... no one knew what i wrote on my card except me. Amazingly, while I was giving my fear of rejection/lack of confidence at the cross, God was providing encouragement to me through my friend Lica, who was busy writing one of the sweetest letters i have ever received in my whole life. she comes over to me and hands me this letter and says, i have no idea why, but God told me to give this to you. (Lica, if you are reading this, don't worry I won't share it with the world, ha.) Seriously, though this is one of those things where if you ever doubt that there is a God, please don't... it was like He used Lica's hand to write the letter, but that letter is like a LOVE letter straight to me from Him:) i felt so loved, so free from that bondage, and so ready to move forward with my life.
here we are nearly a year a half later, and i am not free. i am still struggling. tuesday was not a good day for me; i felt so trapped, like how can this be? that fear of rejection that i spoke of, the thought that i am never going to be good enough for anyone, that i am the ugliest person, every one of these irrational thoughts filled my head and made my heart hurt all day. i was mad at myself that i couldn't rely on God's love and that i was so sad. luckily God provides us with friends who can love us, encourage us, speak truth to us, and comfort us, i needed them on tuesday, but i am glad they know me well enough to encourage, but not dwell. wednesday, i wake up and my devotion for the day was on confidence:) oh yeah, God was totally looking out for me. i know that MY GOD loves me, he wants me to be free from this:) I WANT TO BE COMPLETELY CONFIDENT IN CHRIST:) i want to fully trust HIM:) i know that God has a plan and starting this week, i am going to work on reading His word and ultimately never believing the enemies lies about my self-worth again. i started a book today called, A Confident Heart by Renee Swope. i am so excited about it, and i am pretty sure God is going to change my life forever through this book:)
Here is the prayer from the first chapter:
Lord, I pray that You would give me a confident heart in Christ. Take me beyond believing in You to truly believing You. Help me rely on the power of Your promises and live like they are true. You say blessed is the one who trusts in You and whose hope and confidence are found in You. Those who hope in You will not be disappointed, because You work all things together for good for those who love You and are called according to Your purpose.
When self-doubt tells me I can’t overcome my insecurities, I will believe Your promise that all things are possible to whoever believes. I will not throw away my confidence, because You say it will be richly rewarded. I will persevere so that when I have done the will of God, I will receive what You have promised. My confidence is in Christ and I am no longer one who shrinks back and is destroyed, but one who believes and is saved! In Jesus’ name, Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment