pride/humility:: a work in progress

i'm about to get real personal, but not very many people read this, so I feel like i can use this as a way to write a few of my thoughts and it be okay.  to the few that do, maybe a verse or two will help you too (oh and thanks for reading)!

no matter what happens in life, good or bad, i love how God always uses the events and things in our lives to teach us something.  it is funny, a lot of times, i think i have mastered just how to suppress my feelings, how to put on a good show for everyone to make them think i have it all together.  while i may share things about my life, i rarely let people know how much things really affect me.  i was telling my best friend, lindsey jo and my mom just over the weekend and the past few days, that the Holy Spirit has really been revealing to me that i have a major issue with pride with ultimately means i have issues with self-centeredness.  i remember about six months ago, we were discussing this very thing in our small group one night, and the study basically said that having too much pride or feeling sorry for yourself means you are being too self-centered.  i have always thought that i put others first and am a pretty thoughtful person, so self-centeredness was something i thought i was free and clear of.  well, here i am six months later, and it has been become so clear to me that this is definitely a bigger issue that i have got to face.  the truth is that i don't have it all together.  the truth is i am sinner, i hurt just like everyone else, i hope like everyone else, i feel pain and get rejected just like everyone else, i make mistakes just like everyone else, and the list could go on and on.

growing up and especially on into high school, i wanted nothing more than to go to college and to become successful.  so much so, that my high school class voted me, "most likely to succeed" as my senior class superlative.  i have always felt like i had something to prove, but the truth is, i have nothing to prove.  so many times i said, "i want to move away from lincolnton, and i don't want to move back." i am not really sure who i was trying to impress, but what i will tell you is that at almost 30, i now know that there is so much more to life than making it in corporate america.  the truth is, there is more to kelsey morgan, than just a drive to succeed.  the truth is there has always been a girl who desperately wanted to be noticed, to feel pretty, and only in recent years have i truly grasp that i can only find this from my Heavenly Father and not from anyone here on this earth.  i would say that i put on the biggest show/front for anyone in my hometown.  i want everyone to think i have it all together, but again, i humbly say, i don't.  while i have faith and trust that one day God's plan will be revealed and He will give me the desires of my heart, the truth is, there are days when i am lonely.  i try to put up many defenses, to keep from letting people see the pain, but the truth is pride is ugly.  when you know there is something to be learned, i have found that scripture is the best place to go... 

so tonight, i looked up several verses on pride/humility and i thought i would share these::


Matthew 18:3-4
And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

Proverbs 25:9
He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.

Romans 12:3
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.

Ephesians 4:2
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. 

3 significant childhood memories

1) going to my grandparents house and mom having the bottom drawer full of toys for all of us grandkids... it was full of coloring books, books, and the suzie doll... also just going to mom and pops and just being completely spoiled and having so much fun... the carport was like grand central station.  she had a mode of transportation for all of us... scooters, wagons, swings, bikes, you name it.  she had slip-n-slides for us... they had six grandkids and goodness she would give us the world.  priceless memories.

2) i went to country club children's academy as a child (so did kendall) and one particular day popaw abbey came to get us (it was not planned)... moma would tell us when he was going to.  this must have been before moma and roger were married, so i immediately went into panic mode (it should also be noted that i couldn't have been any older than 7, haha).  i am sure i was just scared, not that i didn't like popaw abbey, we loved going to momaw and popaw abbey's.  we watched the golden girls, had pinto beans, cornbread, and crisper french fries, haha.  when popaw abbey showed up at nearly six or after, they closed at 6, i knew something wasn't right.  he said my mother had been in an accident.  or dear, to a six or maybe almost seven year old, whose biological father had just passed away (literally when i was six), i was terrified.  moma ended up being fine, but she was just unable to pick us up.  i will never forget that day though.

3) this one is just another good memory::  on saturdays, my mother, sister, aunt, and cousin would all go to pizza hut with our book it certificates and then head to hickory to go to the mall... i loved all the family time and me, kendall, and dena were so close.

day 19: if i could live anywhere, where and why?

well, if i could live anywhere, without thinking or analyzing it would be cambry or in haiti with lots of little children loving on them, but realistically that isn't me.  it is funny the other day, i said, i really hope God isn't calling me to live there, i would die of a heat stroke and probably be too skinny to survive, i don't eat a lot there. 

so, more realistically, i would live in memphis, tennessee, haha.. i hope you are all laughing... i would go back to school to be a nurse in pediatric oncology and work at st. jude's!  i have talked about this before, but that is what i would do.  i know memphis probably isn't the best geographically, but my heart would be full and happy.  i absolutely love children and love to help sick kids, i know that sounds weird, but that is the passion that God has given me.

now, in all truthfulness, i am completely content in charlotte.  i really do not have a desire to leave here.  i have no idea where God is calling me.  we will see, but for now, this is where i am and i am trusting that this is where He wants me:)

Day 18: The most difficult thing you have had to forgive

honestly, this one is tough for me because as a christian God commands us to forgive, so i don't feel like i have had to really struggle with something to forgive someone.  i think that i have been super blessed and God has allowed me to have a lot of grace and forgiveness in my life so that i don't have to have hatred, grudges, etc.  don't get me wrong there are people and things that people have done that i don't like, but i guess the biggest thing would be when my grandmother was miss diagnosed at the emergency room in may 2009.  i was with her and left to take a conference call for work and when i came back they were releasing her and sent her home.  she was still very much uncomfortable and in pain.  she looked as if she was 4-5 months pregnant, they simply said she was constipated.  i knew, with the medical knowledge i have, that something was not right.  my intuition said, this isn't right, but i wanted to trust the doctors.  they sent her home with magnesium citrate and said, drink that and the constipation should go away... well, i won't go into the long story again, but 12 hours later she wasn't with us anymore.  i had to pray for a lot of forgiveness for the doctors.  i remember my grandfather didn't even get an autopsy.  i remember my mom and i having a discussion about it and i didn't even want to know the doctor's name, i didn't want to probe or investigate further, it would do no good... nothing that anyone did would bring her back.  nothing could take away the pain and absolute heart break.  no one could bring back my best friend and the most amazing grandmother, but what i did do was this.  i just prayed that God would comfort me and remind that holding onto this grudge against this doctor would not help either.  i prayed that He would remind me that He has a specific time chosen that we will all die and there is nothing we can do to change this.  i also read scripture to remind me that she is in Heaven with our Heavenly Father and that He wanted her there more than here.  her time on earth was over, and i was super thankful for the 26 years i got to spend with her... they were the best ever!!!  so, that is hardest thing i have ever had to forgive, for sure.

A Whole New World... Jasmine

The thought of going on a mission trip to a third world country completely terrified me even just two years ago. My best friend in the entire world decided that she would move to Narobi, Kenya, well actually a remote village (orphanage) four hours outside of Narobi for an entire year and serve in June 2008 and I remember thinking she must be the bravest person I know. I remember saying to her, God is calling me to support you financially and to pray, but never to go! Lindsey, my best friend, completely trusted God’s plan and calling… she quit her job, packed her bags, and moved to Tumaini and absolutely loved her life with these precious children at the orphanage. Around the same time she moved to Africa, I moved to Charlotte and began attending Forest Hill. I joined a Lifegroup, and my leader was Kasey, who is now my best friend in Charlotte. Shortly after starting this group, Kasey felt called to go to the DR Congo. I didn’t know much about the Congo, but after many talks with her found out that it was one of the poorest countries and actually very unsafe. I was like, okay God, why are my friends all going out of the country and what are you trying to teach me by showing me that my friends can do this?

We read and studied a book by Francis Chan, called Crazy Love in our group in 2009, and the Holy Spirit completely started changing my heart from wanting to support my friends on mission trips to wanting to go. I remember telling the girls in my group that I felt like God was calling me to go, but I didn’t know where and I was completely scared out of my mind. I prayed a lot about what this would look like and honestly put it off for a long time. In early 2010, I decided to take a leap of faith and signed up to go to Senegal with my church, but that wasn’t the trip for me. At first I saw that as God closing the door, but in February 2011, I went to see my local eye doctor and for some reason God orchestrated Dr. Knudson and I to have a conversation about what church we go to and somehow I told him about the cancelled mission trip to Senegal, and that is when he told me that his neighbor was George Collins, who runs Bless Back Worldwide. Long story short, within weeks, I submitted my application, and that October I went on my first trip to Les Cayes, Haiti and met the sweet children of Cambry.

I had never been more scared of anything in my whole life, from what diseases I could get to getting too hot (anyone who knows me knows how hot natured I am), but I knew God had called me to this place and I was excited to be doing His will. I remember the first day I was somewhat in a state of shock, but I love kids more than anything in this world, so I thought I would fit right in. The truth is, I didn’t. I somewhat let fear take over. I had never been around kids that were not clean, kids who had scabbies, lice or things I didn’t even know, and I was so afraid at first to touch them. I had to continually pray that I would get over my fears and remember that these are children of God and that they desperately need to feel loving arms around them! Luckily our gracious and loving Heavenly Father allowed me to be less cautious and I did enjoy my time with these children, but I think part of me had just never seen anything like this before so it was a lot of processing for me.

One little girl did manage to steal my heart though, little Jasmine. I was part of the medical team; working in the pharmacy all week. Each day she would stop by the pharmacy and she would help me; my little assistant if you will. She would throw things away for me, she would sit on my lap, she would sit beside me, and of course I would sneak and give her protein bars (I don’t like them so she got even more, because I gave her the ample supply I packed) or whatever just to be close to me. I had never experienced a child wanting to just sit near you, wanting to be held, or just wanting to be loved like this and it definitely affected me. Many people call Friday nights at Cambry the cry fest, because you have to tell the children bye and it is a sad time, on our Friday night trip in October we played a slide show of the kids and they loved it. Afterwards, most of the other team members were sobbing and their favorite little kids were as well. I had gotten a little emotional during the slideshow, but had gotten the impression from Jasmine that she wasn’t going to be my crier. I gave her a hug and told her that I would miss her, be praying for her, and that I loved her. She simply gave me a hug and walked off. I asked Dimy, the fourteen-year old where she was going, and he said, “To bed.” At first I thought, man, she didn’t really like me that much, but later was praising God for his provision. You see, I am super emotional and sensitive by nature. Had He sent me or allowed me to get close to a little boy or girl in Haiti that cried when I was leaving, I would have been in hysterics and would not have been able to leave. God knew what he was doing all along.

After we returned, the Orphan Sponsorship program started, and I sponsor Jasmine. I absolutely love being able to send her little care packages and notes with pictures. After we returned I didn’t think I would go back, the trip was the most rewarding, but yet the most challenging thing I had ever experienced. I thought if I do go back it will be years down the road, but God had other plans. My team leaders, the Ropers, who I cannot speak highly enough about were leading a team to go back in July 2012. I prayed and prayed and God said, “GO.”

I just returned from my second trip to Cambry, and this time was so different. I wasn’t nervous at all this time. My heart was so ready, and I have never been so ready to wrap my arms around a little girl in my whole life. I want her to know Psalm 139 more than anything. I have been praying this for her. I want her to know that she is not forgotten, that she is so loved by our Heavenly Father, and that He has great plans for her life. Unfortunately, I got a fever on our way to Haiti, and our medical lead for our trip advised me not to go to the first church service on Sunday, but the second service was with the kids and I hadn’t had a chance to see Jasmine yet. I somehow managed to get enough Tylenol in my system and enough energy to go to that service, and when we walked in, and I saw that smile on her face, I knew I was just where God wanted me to be. A few minutes later, that sweet smile and all of her funny faces was wedged in my lap and I kind of forgot I was sick. The week I got to spend with Jasmine was amazing! She has great personality, lots of sass, loves to help in the pharmacy, sings Jesus Loves Me in the sweetest little tone, but can run with the boys too. She has an older brother and goodness that girl hits and can be a typical nine year old. She is always smiling or making a funny face, and the infectious joy she has, has taught me so much. There are many days when I just want to sit and complain, but then I remember that the conditions she lives in are not ideal, to most here in the states that are unbearable and would be considered unfathomable, but she said to me on Friday afternoon, “I’ll pray for you daily.” She and the other children at Cambry, don’t focus on what they do not have, they praise God for what they do! Jasmine’s older brother Noel is at the orphanage with her, and I was able to speak to him a little one night at the guest house, and Angela, another faithful bless back volunteer sponsors him and knows his story very well. Noel told me that his mother is dead, but his father is still living. He has other siblings, I believe he told me four brothers and four other sisters. My heart completely broke for him and Jasmine, but not Noel, he just kind of told me and then I gave him a hug and told him I loved him. Things we would be devastated and paralyzed by, these kids find joy and a reason to be thankful.

Cambry and more specifically Jasmine have opened my eyes to a whole new world, one where I want and need to be thankful for every single blessing the Lord sends me. Honestly sleeping in a room where animals cannot get to me, sleeping in a soft bed, having food to eat at any time of the day, having a working toilet (plumbing in general), having clean clothes, having access to doctors when I am sick, and so much more are things that we all take for granted. I am so thankful for the two opportunities I have had to go to Cambry, and I pray that God will tell me when to go again. Until then, I will be praying for little Jasmine as I look at her picture on my nightstand each night. A part of my heart will always be in Haiti.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139: 13-14