sometimes we need silence. sometimes we need friends in our season of life. sometimes we need friends or parents who just listen, but do not offer any kind of advice. well this is where i am....
i have said it many times, but i do not want being single at 31 to define me, but i am a 31 year old woman, whose greatest heart's desire is to be a wife and mom. today, i think i reached my breaking point. literally with pretty much all my groups of friends, i am the ONLY single one left. i am about to attend a wedding, for a dear friend whom we prayed and prayed for an engagement::wedding. i, genuinely am so excited to celebrate her day and be a bridesmaid, but along with that comes this isolating reality that in the 5 years i have known this group of girls, SO MUCH HAS CHANGED, but not with me. one girl got married and just had her baby last week. one girl is married and has a 5 month old. one girl got married a few months back and told me today she is pregnant. the bride, who is one of the most thoughtful and sweet friends has been praying that i would have a date for the wedding, but i will not. today, i cried and cried. i just don't understand why my God, who loves me more than i can even imagine, does not have it in His Will for me to meet someone, to get married, or to be a mom. i.am.sad.
tonight, my single friends in charlotte helped a lot. they are a blessing beyond words; however, i hate that they know my pain. tonight my mom listened, without offering advice and that is what i needed. tonight, a friend went with me to hot yoga, and that helped probably more than she will know.
i know i have to trust HIS plan and will for my life. are we promised this will be easy, absolutely not. do i need prayer to remember these things, absolutely. i decided tonight that if i focus more on God's word, then i will stop having this pity party. i read somewhere, that if you are having a pity party for yourself then you are focusing to much on yourself and not enough on God. the verse that says, i need to decrease, so HE will INCREASE is so relevant tonight. also, lately, i have been angry at God. this scares me to type, but it is real. everyone has their own struggles and season of waiting, but this is mine.
what i try so very hard to do is to find ways to serve others. i have been blessed with an amazing church family, with so many friends who have kids, so i get to love on them. while this is not the path i would have chosen, it brings me joy to love on these precious kids, to take them out for special things to give their parents a break. this has helped me.
the point of this post is for me to remember that this is real. this is painful, but i always have hope. i wish that we could find out what was going to happen, but that would not be living by faith.
i have to trust that someone who loves me more than anyone ever can, has a greater plan. HE LOVES ME. he wants me to focus on him, to grow deeply in love with HIM.
so, i have had my sad day, my day of anger, and my day of lots of tears. tomorrow is a new day, and for that i am thankful.
to all my single friends, i promise to boldly pray for you. i want so badly for all of us to find someone. please know that while you are a blessing to me, i pray that you will not be in this season much longer. i pray that when you feel lonely or need someone to talk to, you will call me. to my married friends, i am sure you have your struggles too, so i will pray for you, for your marriage to grow stronger. to my friends who are new mommies, i will pray for you. i will pray for sleep, for you. what i cannot promise is that i will not have days like this again. i hate that i cannot be sunshine and roses all the time, but this is real life, the good, bad, and ugly.
and on that note, i am going to bed.
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